The Rauschmonstrum Advises Paul the Apostle To Write His Own Gospel

[This passage appears within the book  Further Sketches of the Rauschmonstrum]

Dear Paul,

I’ve been reading some of the letters you’ve been writing to the Romans and Corinthians, and whoever the hell else. I’m not impressed. How about instead of your wind bag letters you wrote a story about the life of Jesus, a gospel if you will. You don’t know this yet but several folks are going to be writing stories these in the coming years, why don’t you do it yourself? After all you’ve been doing more to spread the message than anyone else thus far. Certainly more than any of his twelve bumbling disciples did.

If you decide to do this let me give you some help. Have Jesus be a wandering preacher who has lots of sex. The reason he goes from place to place could be because he keeps impregnating the women of the towns he preaches in. This is a common thing which occurs with charismatic speakers. Presenting Jesus as guided by his libido will make him a good role model for those who read your gospel. They’ll be healthier, happier, and will “be fruitful and multiply” as it is said God said to Noah. (Actually I was the one who said that to Noah. I knew the worst flood in history was happening and the only way to convince Noah to build that fucken ark and take those animals along was to pretend to be God.)

You would also be wise to include dragons in your Gospel. People like the idea of dragons, and if you had a passage of Jesus riding a dragon the image would be on stained-glass windows in every church the world over come 1000 years. For similar reasons, using trolls, goblins, and dwarves in your story would be a good idea as well. Are you afraid these inclusions would make the story outrageous? I’ve got news for you, the story is already ludicrous.  (Virgin births and a man coming back from the dead? Come on.)

You should have him and his disciples sing and dance a lot too. Perhaps those around him could refer to him as the Singing Messiah and his Merry Band of Dancing Disciples. Is that too long? I don’t think so. Oh and this one is important, give him a good sense of medical science, not what people in your time and place foolishly refer to as medical science but actual medical science. I’m attaching to this letter a separate piece of paper in which I wrote some precepts which will put the scientific knowledge of your world into hyper drive.

Perhaps most importantly, if you decide to write your own Gospel, be sure to avoid placing the blame for Jesus’ death squarely on the Jews. Do not mention “blood guilt” or anything else like that. Trust me, doing that will cause some problems in the future .

If you abide by these elements I think you’ll have yourself a pretty good gospel, definitely better than any of the others that may be created.


The Rauschmonstrum

[Unfortunately due to issues with postage, Paul never received the Rauschmonstrum’s letter. Who knows how the course of history would have changed if he had.]

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