The Rauschmonstrum Comments On Paul’s Letters to the Thessalonians

Dear Paul,

 

I don’t dig these letters to the Thessalonians.  First off you warn against sensuality.  What the fuck are you talking about? Nobody wants to hear this.  Just because you’re a celibate preacher (nobody causes more issues than you celibate preachers) doesn’t mean you should ruin everyone else’s fun.  Encourage everyone to fuck and they’ll gladly listen to the rest of your message.

 

In these letters you also make the mistake of telling everyone you expect Jesus to return during your lifetime.  He ain’t coming back in your lifetime or anyone else’s lifetime, he’s gone, and he wasn’t magic.  By claiming he’s coming back you’re setting Christianity up for a premature death.  If you make people expect a Return from him soon and he never shows up, then they’re going to lose interest in you and the movement is out of luck. Be sure to avoid slip-ups like this in the future.

 

Carry On,

The Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum’s First Letter to Paul

[This passage appears within the book  Further Sketches of the Rauschmonstrum]

 

Dear Paul,

I hear you had a vision of Jesus in the road to Damascus. Maybe you really do think you saw him, or maybe you’re just having a laugh on everyone. It doesn’t make a difference to me. What matters to me is how you use your time spreading your message henceforth. 

The truth is Jesus of Nazareth was not the Son of God. He was just a deluded fellow I conned into bringing my plans into fruition. You can do with this information as you wish, I don’t care. You can quit this Christ stuff right now and go back to being a lawyer, or you can be one of the most important people who has ever lived.  I am already certain of which choice you will make. Remember, facts are not important when it comes to persuading people, emotions and desires are what’s important.
I will have much more to discuss with you during the coming years.

 

Keep on Keeping On,
The Rauschmonstrum