The Easter Story Rauschmonstrum Style

This passage comes from the 2016 book The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum Plots the Resurrection

When he had starting planning his mission, the Rauschmonstrum had assumed that the consequences of his actions would be completely malevolent. However, he had seen all the good things Jesus and the disciples had done, as well as the positive changes in behavior of people who went to see Jesus.

He knew that if the disciples went out and continued the Nazarene’s work, and if the Word spread far and wide, the world may benefit more than it was hurt by what the Rauschmonstrum had done. He knew however, that it was still quite possible nothing but utter destruction would come out of spreading the message of Jesus of Nazareth. The Rauschmonstrum was fine with either outcome.

The most important part of the Rauschmonstrum’s task was yet to be done.  For the Nazarene to have a lasting impact, some post-Resurrection appearances must be made to the disciples.

Thus, the Rauschmonstrum would need to take the form of Jesus and appear before the remaining eleven disciples, persuading them that he had resurrected from the dead.

“If I do this, then the myths about him will never die.”


The Second Burial of Jesus

Before doing anything else, it was essential that he remove Jesus’ body from the tomb.

The Rauschmonstrum decided that the best permanent grave for Jesus would be next to his old disciple, Judas. Shortly after betraying Jesus, Judas had decided for himself that Jesus really had been telling the truth, and went off and hung himself. Judas’ body had then been buried in what was known as the Field of Blood; a field usually reserved for the bodies of foreigners.  

The Rauschmonstrum went to the tomb Joseph of Aramathia had given Jesus and took his body over to the Field of Blood. There, he dug a spot next to Judas and buried Jesus. “Goodbye dear Nazarene” said the Rauschmonstrum as a final farewell.


The Empty Tomb

 Now on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene went early, while it was still dark, to the tomb, and saw the stone taken away from the tomb. Therefore she ran and came to Simon Peter, and to the other disciples, and said to them,

“They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have laid him!”

Peter and the other disciples went out, and they went toward the tomb.  Simon Peter  entered into the tomb. He saw the linen cloths lying there, and the cloth that had been on Jesus’ head, rolled up in a place by itself. The disciples then went back to where they were staying.