John The Baptist Prepares the Way

The following is a passage from The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum came upon John the Baptist in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.  

The whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem went out to hear his message. They confessed their sins to him and he baptized them in the Jordan River. 

John wore clothing made out of camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist. He ate wild honey and locusts.

 “What should we do?” the crowds often asked him.

 John would answer, “He who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and he who has food should do the same.”

Even the tax collectors came to him to be baptized. “Teacher,” they would ask, “What is it we should do?”

 “Never collect any more than you are required to,” he told them.

 Then some soldiers asked him, “And what should we do?”

He replied to them, “Do not extort money and do not accuse people falsely. It would be wise of you to be content with your pay.”

 The people all waited keenly. They were all wondering in their hearts and minds if John might possibly be the Messiah. 

The Rauschmonstrum understood the power John had on those who came to see him. “They look at him, and they conceive of him as a god. This man has the qualities I am looking for.”

But then the Rauschmonstrum heard John say something that made him curious, for John said:

“After me there will be another more powerful than I, I will not be worthy to untie the straps on his sandals. I may baptize you with water, but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

While the Rauschmonstrum did not know what John was referring to when he mentioned the Holy Spirit, it was evident that what John said had energized the crowd.

 “This John knows of someone who is even better than he is at what he does?” The Rauschmonstrum thought. “I must meet this man.”

Rausch Timeline

The timeline including at the beginning of my forthcoming book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum.

 

1957- Dwight D. Eisenhower is inaugurated for his second term as President of the United States. The Rauschmonstrum’s book Jesus & Me is released.

 

1958- Jesus & Me reaches the top of the New York Times Bestseller list

 

1959- The Rauschmonstrum has his first public interview, appearing on The Mike Wallace Interview. It is the most watched event in television history up to that point.

 

1960- John F. Kennedy is elected the 35th President of the United States, defeating incumbent Vice President Richard Nixon in a close contest.

 

1963- President Kennedy resigns on November 22nd after stories of his affairs with several Hollywood actresses are printed in the press. He is replaced by Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson. The Rauschmonstrum’s book The Old Testament & Me is released.

 

1964- The United States escalates its involvement in the Vietnam War after the Gulf of Tonkin incident. President Johnson is elected to a second term after defeating Republican nominee evangelist William Graham Jr.

 

1967- Self-identifying Christians are shown to have declined 25% from ten years earlier.   

 

1968- Republican Governor Nelson Rockefeller defeats Democratic nominee Senator Eugene McCarthy to be elected the 37th President of the United States.

 

1972- President Rockefeller defeats Senator Edmund Muskie to win re-election.

 

1973- The Vietnam War is brought to an end with the signing of the Paris Peace Accords.

 

1975- The Rauschmonstrum founds a technology company, RauschSoft, along with media theorist Professor Marshall McLuhan and software developer Bill Gates.

 

1976- New York Senator Robert F. Kennedy is elected President after defeating former Governor of California Ronald Reagan in the general election.

 

1979- RauschSoft becomes the largest company in the world by market cap, shortly after the smash success of their new computer, the RauschCube.  

 

1980- President Robert Kennedy is re-elected president in a landslide against Republican George HW Bush.

 

1984- Republican Bob Dole defeats Democrat Ted Kennedy for the President.

 

1987- The Rauschmonstrum founds RauschSearch, an internet search engine company.

 

1988- Novelist Norman Mailer defeats incumbent President Bob Dole to be elected the 40th President of the United States in a stunning upset. The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex.

 

1991- The Soviet Union dissolves, thereby ending the Cold War.

 

1992- After President Mailer refuses to run for a second term, former California Governor Jerry Brown defeats actor Clint Eastwood to be elected the 41st President of the United States.

 

1993- Percentage of people identifying as religious drop below 10% worldwide.

 

1996- President Brown is re-elected in a landslide over Republican challenger Dan Quayle of Indiana.

 

1998- The film adaptation of Jesus & Me is released to rave reviews. It goes on to be the highest grossing movie of all time.

 

2000- Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is elected President in a close election over California Governor Warren Beatty.

 

2001- RauschSearch overtakes RauschSoft as the largest company by market cap in the world. Shortly after this the Rauschmonstrum resigns his positions from both companies and sells all his stock in both as well.

 

2004- President Gingrich wins re-election easily over Massachusetts Senator John Kerry.

 

2008- Illinois Senator Barack Obama is elected the 43rd President of the United States in a landslide victory over Republican John McCain.

 

2010- Flying cars are legalized in the United States and immediately become popular.

 

2012- President Obama wins re-election over New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

 

2014- The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his role in wiping out poverty in Africa.

 

2016- Businessman Donald J. Trump is elected President of the United States in a stunning upset over sitting Vice President Joe Biden. The Rauschmonstrum announces his intention to go into isolation from humanity.

The Rauschmonstrum Interviewed By Mike Wallace In 1959

The following is an interview which took part between The Rauschmonstrum and Mike Wallace on his program ‘The Mike Wallace Interview’ in 1959. It’ll be incorporated in the forthcoming book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum.

Wallace: The book Jesus & Me has taken the literary world by storm, telling the story of a shapeshifting monster who takes it upon himself to start Christianity, and sues Jesus of Nazareth as a tool to make this happen.  Christians worldwide have derided it, and yet it has been praised by many as one of the most imaginative books of the era.  Gore Vidal has called it “a laugh riot, yet deadly serious,” and Aldous Huxley has referred to it as “breathtakingly expansive.” Ever since the controversial book, the question on everybody’s mind has been “who wrote it?” It was assumed the name on the work, The Rauschmonstrum, couldn’t possibly be the author’s real name and was only a pseudonym. Now, in our studio today, the author is here ready for his first public interview. At this point I’m going to ask you to sit down if you are not already seated because in what has got to be the biggest case of an unexplained phenomena in many, many years, the author’s name really is The Rauschmonstrum and he’s not even human.  He appears to be a shapeshifting pillar of smoke. You heard me correctly. I’m just as surprised as you are. 

[The Rauschmonstrum floats above the guest chair across from Wallace with a big grin]

Wallace: I will get to the bottom of who he is and what he is right after this break. The cigarette is Philip Morris.

[Wallace holds up the cigarette in his hand, and things cut to commercial]

Wallace: We’re back. Well Mr. Rauschmonstrum, is that what you go by, or would you prefer I call you something else?

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve gone by a lot of things over the years, and you may call me what you wish. 

Wallace:
Alright, Mr. Rauschmonstrum.  What are you exactly?

Rauschmonstrum: In truth, I’m not quite sure.  It’s a mystery to me. One day I simply came to consciousness and tried to make sense of the things around me the same way a child does. The difference is I did not have the luxury of having beings around who were similar myself to give me any guidance.  I have no parents to the best of my knowledge. As you can see, physically I am made out of smoke.  I can shapeshift into different forms, and I have powers anyone would deem supernatural.  To a large extent, I think that is all there is to say.

Wallace: Can you shapeshift into anything you wish?  

Rauschmonstrum: Oh certainly. Everything and anything.

Wallace: Can you give us a demonstration?

Rauschmonstrum: Of course. How about I take the form of Vice President Richard Nixon.

Wallace: [laughing] If you wish. 

[The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts into the form of Richard Nixon and sits in the guest chair]

Rauschmonstrum: [as Nixon] Now listen here. We need a policy that aggressively counters Soviet influence in the East. My dog Checkers agrees.

[The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts back into his true form

Wallace: If I hadn’t known any better I would have assumed at that moment you really were Nixon. I’m sure the folks watching at home feel the same way. Did you learn how to do that with time, or were you born with the power?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’d say I was born with it, except that I’m not sure I was ever really born. I think it would be like saying a rock was born.

Wallace: What a curious situation.  What other powers do you have?

Rauschmonstrum: I can do most anything in terms of manipulating the physical world. I give major examples in my book of all of the things I can do; healing the sick, feeding the hungry, raising the dead-

Wallace: Everything you write in Jesus & Me is true?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, it’s all autobiographical. It’s not fiction, the way the New York Times classified it on their bestseller’s list.

Wallace: You understand making claims like that will disturb mass amounts of people around the globe.  Not just Christians, but people of other religions who will naturally be afraid their own religions are frauds perpetrated by you. Atheists, while not believing these religions are true, were at least under the impression that the understood laws of physics still applied. You’ve upheaved that as well by showing yourself.

Rauschmonstrum: I made peace with that when I decided to release the book. 

Wallace: Most people have a lot at stake in the Gospel stories. 

Rauschmonstrum: You’re all in for an interesting couple of years as I reveal more and more of what’s truth and what’s fabrication.

Wallace: Those are strong words.

Rauschmonstrum: If they weren’t strong words, then they’d be useless. 

Wallace: So, for those who have not read Jesus & Me, and aren’t familiar with the story, let’s summarize a bit.

Rauschmonstrum: By all means.

Wallace: The story starts with a description of you and what you can do, followed by your explanation you wanted to create a religion.

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, I wanted to shape humanity a little bit.  Plus, I didn’t like how the Romans were occupying Judea, and I didn’t like the religious laws prevalent in Judaism.  I was looking for a way to upheave both of those things.

Wallace: So, you decided the best way to achieve that was by making someone believe they are the son of God, and they would put the necessary things into effect for your plan to work?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes.

Wallace: And that person you found was Jesus of Nazareth.

Rauschmonstrum: He was.

Wallace: A deep believer would say you couldn’t possibly be telling the truth.

Rauschmonstrum: I know.  But at this point I don’t care. It’s time people toss all this stuff away and move on.

Wallace: You performed all the Gospel miracles and made it seem as though Jesus did them?

Rauschmonstrum: I did.

Wallace: That included feeding the multitude with a small amount of loaves and fish, and raising Lazarus from the dead?

Rauschmonstrum: I did those things.

Wallace: You can just make objects appear, and raise people from the dead. Remarkable.

Rauschmonstrum: I can do those things.  However, it’s important I set a boundary down for all those listening. I will never raise someone from the dead ever again.

Wallace: Why?

Rauschmonstrum: Because when I brought Lazarus back from the dead, I was disgusted by the complacency with which he lived his life afterwards.  He didn’t change a single thing about his life after he rose.  He went right back to doing his menial work, and the most excitement he’d have was dinner with his sisters once a week.  It was all very passive living.  I will not stand to raise more people from the dead, only for them not to take a new appreciation for their lives.

Wallace: Even if it were some great leader or scientist who would be able to contribute great things to humanity if they could be brought back to life?

Rauschmonstrum: Even then, it’d be a slippery slope from there. People would say “if you raised that country’s leader, why haven’t you raised our leader?”   People would beg me to raise up their loved ones and resent me if I didn’t.

Wallace: Tell me about Jesus of Nazareth. What type of person was he?

Rauschmonstrum: Hmmm, I do believe in my book I describe him as the most benevolent man who ever lived.  I stand by that. He wanted to help people.  He truly believed he was the son of God, yet he wasn’t interested in being a king on Earth.  His aim was absolute altruism.  Most people who got to meet him face to face felt the same way.

Wallace: And yet you decided he should die.

[There’s a pause here as Rauschmonstrum looks to be thinking things through]

Rauschmonstrum: When I started my mission to create what’s become Christianity. I didn’t think far ahead as to what would become of him.  However, Jesus himself seemed convinced he was destined to die to save mankind, and I realized him dying in the way he did would be a good was to convince others he really was who he said he was, and then I got the idea for the resurrection and…you know the rest.

Wallace: That take us to the most controversial part of your book, the chapter called “The Real Resurrection.”

Rauschmonstrum: Yes.

Wallace: You claim that once Jesus had been crucified, you stole his body from the tomb he’d been placed in and that you then buried him next to Judas Iscariot’s grave in the so-called Field of Blood.

Rauschmonstrum: I did.  It’s true.

Wallace: And then…you say you took the form of Jesus and appeared before his disciples, pretending to be him.

Rauschmonstrum: It happened in just that way.  Everything the disciples did after that point, spreading the ideas of Jesus, they did because of my appearances in the form of the Nazarene after he had died.  Those appearances convinced them Jesus had been for real.

Wallace: If you are lying or exaggerating about this, I ask you admit it to us now.

Rauschmonstrum: It all happened as I wrote.  No exaggerations, no lies.

Wallace: As I’m sure you realize, if what you say gains mainstream acceptance, it would completely change the culture. I don’t know if anything would be the same.

Rauschmonstrum: Oh, I’m aware. That’s why I wrote the book, and that’s why I’m here tonight.  If I weren’t prepared for any of this, I would not have written the book, and I would not have allowed myself to appear on camera.

Wallace: I don’t know if it’s intentional, but you come off a bit arrogant about this whole thing.

Rauschmonstrum: I wouldn’t say I’m arrogant. But it may be easy for me to appear that way while I’m setting the facts straight about some things humanity has been wrong about for so long, yet they have taken so much stake in.

Wallace: Mr. Rauschmonstrum, if humanity was wrong about the truth for all this time, it was because you led people astray with your trickery. You caused all of this!

Rauschmonstrum: You’re right, I led you all astray. That’s been a habit of mine over the years. But I hope I’m correcting for that now.

Wallace: But why now? You could have revealed yourself at any point?

Rauschmonstrum: For of all, I knew that if I ever revealed myself to humanity at large, particularly in this age of mass media, the whole present order would be flipped over.  Plus, I knew once I was exposed there wasn’t any going back.  People wouldn’t suddenly forget my existence.  It wouldn’t be possible for me to manipulate things on Earth in the manner I had before. Events that happened the last two decades made me feel it was time. There was the horrendous Second World War, and with that the Holocaust, and the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan, and now there’s this arms race between the United States and the Soviet Union.  These events, I believe, have waged a psychic havoc on the unconscious mind of the people who have been alive for these events.  I think it’s a widespread fear today that one may die in a completely random act of mass destruction. And so, after a great deal of thought, I decided I should make my presence known as a way to counter this existential dread, and let mankind in on quite a bit of how the world and the universe actually works. 

Wallace: Aside from the life of Jesus of Nazareth, are there any other pivotal events in world history caused by you? And what about the other religions? Were you responsible for those too?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but I’ll decline from speaking about that topic at this time. That’ll be the subject of many future books.

Wallace: Well I for one look forward to those books…Rauschmonstrum, is there a God?

Rauschmonstrum: Ah, the big question.  Well here’s my answer.  In all my years, I have never seen evidence that such a being exists.

Wallace: That’ll be a cold thought for many people watching this.

Rauschmonstrum: It will leave them cold at first, but after giving it some time to sink in they will learn to accept it, and then move on to living without such fantasies.

Wallace: There have been rumblings you advise President Eisenhower in an unofficial capacity.  Is that true?

Rauschmonstrum: I think it best not to comment on that at this time.

Wallace: Understandable.  What will you do now? You clearly have the power to do with us what you wish. You could control the global order and direct things according to your whims. Is that what you plan on doing?

Rauschmonstrum: No, I have no intention of playing with humanity for my own purposes anymore. I did that for thousands of years, and it’s left me feeling as though I did it all wrong.  No, for the foreseeable future I plan on spending my time as a writer, a speaker, a developer of ideas to help humanity.  and a general public figure.  I think that’ll be a rewarding way to spend my time.

Wallace: I’m glad to hear that Mr. Rauschmonstrum. Thank you for joining us. It’s been a powerful experience for me having you here, and I’m sure in the future it’ll be considered a historic event.

Rauschmonstrum: My pleasure Mike.

Wallace: I’d like to thank the Rauschmonstrum for choosing to do his first interview with us. He’s sure to be a main fixture on the world stage for many years. Our guest next week will be Ayn Rand. Good night.

A Little Bit About Our Friend the Rauschmonstrum Before We Start

Hia folks, here is the introduction for the soon to be released Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum!

A Little Bit About Our Friend the Rauschmonstrum Before We Start

       The Rauschmonstrum is a shapeshifting monster who manipulates humanity from time to time to suit his desires.  Physically, he resembles a cloud of smoke.  If there’s a historical event of any note there’s a good shot he had something to do with it.  For most of mankind’s history he kept his existence a secret. However, this was to change in the twentieth century.

       Shortly after the end of World War II the Rauschmonstrum could be seen popping up at American and British military functions in Allied-occupied Germany.  Some photographs taken at these events show the remnants of his Cheshire Cat grin as he was in the process of disappearing from view.  Many American and European politicians began meeting with him.  They did this secretly for the most part, but on occasion he was spoken about in print interviews as “my friend Ol’ Rausch,” or “my acquaintance Ol’ Rausch.”  The pubic began to wonder who this “Ol’ Rausch” was after President Truman made a quip about him at a press conference in 1953 shortly before leaving office in an apparent slip of the tongue. 

       Then in 1957 a book entitled Jesus & Me was published under the name The Rauschmonstrum.  It told the story of a shapeshifting monster who lead Jesus of Nazareth throughout his life, tricking him into believing he was the son of God, when he was in reality just an altruistic man with a heightened sense of mania and a Messiah complex.  This book was completely ignored at first, but then became regionally famous in the Southern United States after certain Fundamentalist Christian preachers began organizing book burnings of it.  As these things often go, the vitriol expressed against Jesus & Me gave it increased attention and popularity elsewhere.  By the following year, it was the number one bestseller in the world, and held that position into the next decade. 

       It stands to reason people wondered who the author was.  There was no information about him at all other than his name at the bottom of the book cover. Naturally, rumors began to spread about his identity, such as that The Rauschmonstrum was really just a pseudonym for Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, or John Dos Passos. Many people made false claims about being the author as well.  Finally, in 1959, the Rauschmonstrum had his first interview, appearing on the ABC program The Mike Wallace Interview on June 6th. The world was quite literally never the same.

 

Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

Hello Rausch Pals,

I’m filled with glee to announce I will be putting together a new Rauschmonstrum book. It’ll be called “Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum” and it will consist of a series of interviews done of the Rauschmonstrum by different famous interviewers over the years, everyone from Mike Wallace to William Buckley to Dick Cavett to Charlie Rose to Jimmy Fallon. This’ll give me the opportunity to put my love of interview shows to use, and to write in the voice of my favorite interviewers. It should be a fun project.

I shall be writing it at the same time as “Interviews With Dick LaGorry” where I use the same concept for a con-man, huckster, charlatan, and avant-garde artist character I created and played in an unfinished feature film “The Legend of Dick LaGorry.” I’m sure all you Rausch Pals will also like Dick LaGorry as you get to know him.

My Best Regards,

The Rauschmonstrum’s Press Agent 

 

The Easter Story Rauschmonstrum Style

This passage comes from the 2016 book The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum Plots the Resurrection

When he had starting planning his mission, the Rauschmonstrum had assumed that the consequences of his actions would be completely malevolent. However, he had seen all the good things Jesus and the disciples had done, as well as the positive changes in behavior of people who went to see Jesus.

He knew that if the disciples went out and continued the Nazarene’s work, and if the Word spread far and wide, the world may benefit more than it was hurt by what the Rauschmonstrum had done. He knew however, that it was still quite possible nothing but utter destruction would come out of spreading the message of Jesus of Nazareth. The Rauschmonstrum was fine with either outcome.

The most important part of the Rauschmonstrum’s task was yet to be done.  For the Nazarene to have a lasting impact, some post-Resurrection appearances must be made to the disciples.

Thus, the Rauschmonstrum would need to take the form of Jesus and appear before the remaining eleven disciples, persuading them that he had resurrected from the dead.

“If I do this, then the myths about him will never die.”

 

The Second Burial of Jesus

Before doing anything else, it was essential that he remove Jesus’ body from the tomb.

The Rauschmonstrum decided that the best permanent grave for Jesus would be next to his old disciple, Judas. Shortly after betraying Jesus, Judas had decided for himself that Jesus really had been telling the truth, and went off and hung himself. Judas’ body had then been buried in what was known as the Field of Blood; a field usually reserved for the bodies of foreigners.  

The Rauschmonstrum went to the tomb Joseph of Aramathia had given Jesus and took his body over to the Field of Blood. There, he dug a spot next to Judas and buried Jesus. “Goodbye dear Nazarene” said the Rauschmonstrum as a final farewell.

 

The Empty Tomb

 Now on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene went early, while it was still dark, to the tomb, and saw the stone taken away from the tomb. Therefore she ran and came to Simon Peter, and to the other disciples, and said to them,

“They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have laid him!”

Peter and the other disciples went out, and they went toward the tomb.  Simon Peter  entered into the tomb. He saw the linen cloths lying there, and the cloth that had been on Jesus’ head, rolled up in a place by itself. The disciples then went back to where they were staying.