Charlie Rose Interviews The Rauschmonstrum

This transcript originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum sat down with Charlie Rose on his PBS program on August 6th, 1993 to discuss his new book “What I Would Have Done Differently,” his companies, the economy, the fall of the Soviet Union, demographic changes, the recent election and inauguration of Jerry Brown as President, and many other things.

 

Charlie Rose: Tonight’s guest may well be the figure of the century. When he first burst upon the scene with his debut book Jesus & Me there was worldwide shock and backlash. It also resulted in heavy societal restructuring. The number of believing Christians have declined to less than two percent of the population, Islam has dwindled down to similar numbers, and it is rare to find a practicing Jewish person, but as my friend Billy Crystal once remarked, “then again it always was.”

 

[The Rauschmonstrum chuckles]

 

Charlie Rose: He has been the subject of an endless amount of music, film, and literature, and his own work as an author has been described as “the works most essential for understanding humanity since Shakespeare,” by no less an authority than Harold Bloom. His latest book Is entitled What I Would Have Done Differently, detailing his regrets as to how he’s handled his interventions and lack of interventions in human affairs. It is a privilege to welcome The Rauschmonstrum, or Ol’ Rausch, to this table for the first time.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Fantastic to be here Charlie.

 

Charlie Rose: When I think about you, the question I keep asking myself is “what more can you possibly want that you don’t already have?”

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’s a good question.  I’m not sure I know the answer.  I find it difficult to explain this to people but having been around as long as I have been-

 

Charlie Rose: About as long as humanity’s been around.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes. When you’ve been around as long as I have its hard to get pleasure out of anything.  This was already the case for me when I got into the religion making business all those thousands of years ago.  As I recount in this book, and have spoken at length about in the past, the reason I ended up creating Christianity was that I was bored.

 

Charlie Rose: That’s a statement many people had trouble with.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, they did.

Charlie Rose: And it still troubles people today to a lesser extent as well.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well today the issue people usually have with it is that I caused a great deal of damage to mankind by creating this thing and then letting it go on and become more and more powerful and just standing back as an observer.

 

Charlie Rose: And why did you stand back for so long?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well that’s what this book is about.

 

Charlie Rose: My interpretation from reading it is that you were quite good at distracting yourself for long periods of time, and after things had spiraled out of control you guilted yourself for not acting sooner and that caused you to hesitate further, and the next thing you knew a thousand and a half years had gone by.

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s the major part of it. The other thing of course is my fear that by intervening further I’d just make things worse.

 

Charlie Rose: Are there lessons for others to learn from your failures?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well the stakes are usually a lot higher when I make decisions, but yes.  Decisions made out of a desire to do good for people in a transparent way will usually have better long term returns than decisions made with the intent to mislead or hurt. The other thing others can take out of it is that under most circumstances it’s better to go with your instincts and deal with the consequences for better or worse, rather than brood over things for a time and often not come to any decision at all.

 

Charlie Rose: Earlier this year Jerry Brown was sworn in as President.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It was a pleasure to attend his inauguration.

 

Charlie Rose: Have you attended any other presidential inaugurations?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Several, although not always in my true form.  At the inauguration of Norman Mailer, I played a little joke with him beforehand where I shapeshifted into someone else’s form and he had to guess which person at the ceremony was me in disguise.

 

Charlie Rose: You were critical of President Mailer during his final years in office.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes. I’ll be honest, when he first announced his candidacy in ’88 I thought he had no chance of winning. But he had expressed some pivotal ideas in his writing over the years, and I knew him being on a debate stage speaking his mind would be good for the nation.  He interviewed me once years ago, actually.

 

Charlie Rose: Oh, I’m very well aware; for his Village Voice Magazine.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It was clear to me then that he had a radical mind.  When he actually won, I was shocked, but felt maybe he could take some of those ideas from his books and conjure them into something useful politically.  But I was wrong about that too. He had no idea what he was doing. It was noble of him to step aside and not seek re-election. 

 

Charlie Rose: What should he do now?

 

Rauschmonstrum: What all former Presidents do, remain a part of the discourse, and write some books. His books will be a bit better than his predecessors because he’s had some practice.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you intend to have influence over the Brown administration?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’m ineligible for a job because I’m not a US citizen.

 

Charlie Rose: Would you be interested in having an unofficial advisory role?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’m not sure.  I’ve had unofficial roles advising previous presidents, though I won’t go into that any further.

 

Charlie Rose: A lot of countries are squeamish about doing that.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It always appears as though I’m taking a side globally.

 

Charlie Rose: Well considering your history, other countries have a reason for being afraid.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’ll probably be the subject of my next book.  Honestly though the only way I plan on intervening on a global scale again is if the fate of mankind is at stake, or there’s a war on the scale of World War II brewing again.

 

Charlie Rose: It was the atrocities of World War II and the Holocaust that convinced you to become a public figure, weren’t they?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, the shame that I was off wasting my time while all that horror was happening is a point of real shame.

 

Charlie Rose: What had you been doing at that time?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I was in South America pursuing hedonistic delights. It hurts just thinking about it. I should have been in Europe putting a stop to all that ghastliness.

 

Charlie Rose: Were you surprised the Soviet Union fell apart so quickly?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Oh yes, that caught me by surprise.  All my CIA contacts felt the same way.

 

Charlie Rose: The only one who wasn’t surprised was Ronald Reagan.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but he’s always operated on a different level in terms of unfaltering optimism.

 

[Rose takes some time to laugh]

 

Charlie Rose: What happens now in terms of the global order?

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’s an interesting question. I’m afraid I don’t know where to begin with it. The technology is accelerating at a faster and faster rate.

 

Charlie Rose: [chuckling] You’ve had a lot to do with that.

 

Rauschmonstrum: I have. RauschSoft and RauschSearch have been behemoths, and our competitors have followed suit as well.

 

Charlie Rose: But you’re not sure if what you’ve done is for the best.

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s correct.

 

Charlie Rose: Why?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I think the technology makes it a lot easier for people to distract themselves from their problems and create distance within their relationships with each other.

 

Charlie Rose: Many would say “look at the increased capacity for learning through these computers.”

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s true. That is probably the best use for computers, and I would encourage those listening to systematically plan out strategies to maximize their time online learning things.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you think you could cause technological progress to slow down if you wanted to?

 

Rauschmonstrum: No, it’s a Pandora’s box thing.  Once it’s begun…

 

Charlie Rose: We had Professor Francis Fukuyama on not too long ago and he spoke of his theory of The End of History.  He wrote a book about it.

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve read the book.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you buy into his idea that with the Soviet Union gone there may no longer be any major changes in terms of global affairs or how societies work?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I don’t. Professor Fukuyama expresses a too optimistic viewpoint in a worldwide democratic status quo, and-

 

Charlie Rose: And you’ve been around for too long to think any system can last forever.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Exactly.

 

Charlie Rose: Christopher Hitchens was here recently.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Of course he was. He goes anyway there’s a camera.

 

Charlie Rose: He had some things to say about you.

 

Rauschmonstrum: As he tends to do.

 

Charlie Rose: Roll the clip.

 

[Archive footage of Christopher Hitchens with Charlie Rose]

 

Hitchens: Now, I would say that at this point this flabby smoke monstrosity should simply depose himself.

 

Charlie Rose: Why is that?

 

Hitchens: We are people and therein we are sovereign and should have no overlooking force to undermine us.  As long as Rauschmonstrum is around, he threatens our sovereignty, and his history has shown he has no qualms about interfering with us, no matter how reformed he claims he is now.  He should leave Earth and go float around the cosmos for a couple thousand years.

 

[End of archive footage]

 

Charlie Rose: What do you think of that?

 

Rauschmonstrum: He’s not quite wrong.

 

Charlie Rose: So he has a point? Maybe you should leave?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I do kind of hold the sway of the global order in the palm of my hand. Perhaps that is too much power for a single being.

 

Charlie Rose: So we may one day find you have left Earth?

 

Rauschmonstrum: You might.

 

Charlie Rose: We’re out of time. It’s been a pleasure.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Thanks Charlie.

The Rauschmonstrum and William F. Buckley

This interview originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum. 

 

William F. Buckley – 1968

 

The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on William F. Buckley’s show Firing Line on March 10th 1968.  They discussed claims the Rauschmonstrum had made about himself, and the radical restructuring currently occurring in American culture and politics.

 

Buckley: Folks, here with us today is a most extraordinary guest.  While we’ve certainly been lucky enough to have had many exceptional guests, tonight’s may take the cake in that he is of the supernatural variety. [laughter from the audience] There are many spectacular claims about him which if true would completely upheave the established order of Western Civilization, the world at large, and what many of us accept to be the celestial order.  He is of course the Rauschmonstrum, and I am sure him being here will make for some interesting dialogue. Good day to you sir.

Rausch: Hello William, good to be here.

Buckley: Well Mr. Rausch…I can call you that right?

Rausch: If it pleases you to do so. I’ve been called many things over the years, and in many languages.

Buckley: What were you called in Jesus’ day?

Rausch: The closest translation would be shadow.

Buckley: That name suits you.

Rausch: It was rare for me to be seen in my natural form in those days, so few people had the chance to call me that.

Buckley: That brings me to my first point. You really maintain you were the one behind Jesus’ miracles.

Rausch: That’s correct.

Buckley: And according to you, it was all a hoax and you fooled the apostles into believing the resurrection so that they’d spread the story around. 

Rausch: It was a good plan. It succeeded after all.

Buckley: Well I would be doing myself and my faith a tremendous disservice if I started this interview by talking in a way that suggests you are telling the truth.

Rausch: Very wise.

Buckley: There are several directions this conversation could go, so I intend to keep it based around this premise; if you are telling the truth, which I doubt, I think you are some type of oddity to physics. You may perhaps be the only type of your species.  You may even be a genetically mutated human.  But if you are telling the truth, then Christianity and religion in general would inevitably pass away, and with good reason.  The very concept of morality would be greatly altered.  What are your thoughts on all of that, Mr. Rausch?

Rausch: Isn’t this already happening? The Gallup poll already shows the religious populations are decreasing.

Buckley: I think the odds are better that this is a temporary trend rather than something unalterable. We’ll talk more about that later.  However, I’d like to ask you about your overall thoughts about Christianity as a system.

Rausch: Well when I invented Christianity all those years ago-

[At this there are boos from the audience]

Buckley: Come on now, all of you in the crowd can’t be surprised by his remarks. You knew his views when you came here today.  Go on Mr. Rausch.

Rausch: When I invented Christianity all those years ago, humanity was working with a much more limited set of tools than they are now.  Having a Christian worldview was extremely useful for most people back then in terms of structuring their lives.  The infant mortality rates were extremely high and most people spent their day to day fighting off catastrophe after catastrophe.  Christianity was a much-needed opiate.  

Buckley: So you espouse a Friedrich Nietzsche “God is Dead” idea about how it is needed for Christianity to be there two thousand years ago, and that it no longer fits with current contexts?

Rausch: Nietzsche could have articulated those ideas better than he did, but yes, the span of time from Christ’s crucifixion to around 300 years after that would have been a much drearier period of human history had I not stepped in.  Of course, it was after that point when things began to flip and all the Christ nonsense made things worse.

Buckley: You’re referring to the point at which Christianity cemented power in the Western world.

Rausch: Of course.

Buckley: Constantine and all that? His deathbed conversion?

Rausch: Yes. I knew Constantine by the way. He was a ruthless, ruthless man, and I’m certain his deathbed conversation was a last ditched attempt to gain some kind of forgiveness for all his evil deeds.

Buckley: That brings up a good point.  Central to Christianity is the idea of forgiveness, and central to the human condition is feeling that despite giving it our best shot we’ve done the wrong things, and have either harmed ourselves or harmed others. Much of the dread from situations like this can only be alleviated through forgiveness, either forgiving oneself or getting forgiveness from those you’ve hurt. Christianity teaches people to forgive each other for their trespasses and also provides mechanisms for people to be forgiven by a higher power, which in turn makes it easier for people to forgive themselves.  Can a person find sufficient forgiveness in a godless world?

Rausch: It’s a good question.  I’m not sure I have an answer.  Something like that may vary from person to person.

Buckley: I believe Christianity has had an extraordinarily positive impact on the morality of its believers, and that without these things we would be living in a nasty, self-indulgent society, and I fear we are heading quite sharply in that direction.

Rausch: I’d first like to counter that by bringing up the mass amount of violence done in the name of Christianity during its history, particularly at the Church’s peak power around the time of the first Inquisition. I would know, I was there.

Buckley: The Inquisition was a disastrous set of institutions which happened because of poor leadership by the Church at that time. A lot of people like to bring it up to exemplify the Church’s failings, but I don’t think that’s a fair standard by which to judge it.

Rausch: You’d prefer to discuss Christianity’s effects on the people who practice it, and not necessarily the leadership of its institutions?

Buckley: I would.

Rausch: To start down that track, do you think it is good for people to be taught to base their lives around documents written thousands of years ago, which they aren’t allowed to question?

Buckley: I don’t know of many people who subscribe to biblical literalism, maybe some of the more fringe elements in the Southern region, and I don’t mean to offend the many Christians down there when I say that.  Catholicism makes use of doctrines interpreting the bible which Catholics are at least on paper required to believe. That is true.  I have a philosophy of ‘Mater Si, Magistra No,’ which means I do not accept entirely the authority of the governing body of the Church in all matters.  I am under the impression this type of attitude is pretty common amongst Catholics. 

Rausch: That thought will get you in some trouble.

[The audience laughs]

Buckley: It already has from time to time. But to go further into this, in the case of most Protestant sects, there tend to be less overseeing bodies to tell church members what to think about the scriptures. Protestants are encouraged to read the bible themselves and come to their own conclusions about what it means.

Rausch: Regardless of whether we are talking about Catholics or Protestants, and the literalness with which these people take the bible, both Christians and believers in the other religions are taught to believe they can find divine authority within texts.  When people are taught to give religious texts and clerical figures authority over their lives, it’s easier for other doctrines to have a hold over their lives as well. This can take the form of political ideology, or the types of people you allow into your lives. 

Buckley: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Rausch: You think so?

Buckley: I don’t think having faith in a religious doctrine makes you more susceptible to malevolent political ideas.

Rausch: Well, I don’t see us getting any further down this same dialogue path if you don’t think so.

Buckley: Let me ask you something regarding your virtue.

Rausch: Oh boy.

Buckley: If you did indeed trick Jesus of Nazareth at various points by performing the miracles yourself and settling things up for him to be crucified, that is an incredibly immoral action. How do you defend something like that?

Rausch: I don’t. There is no defense for what I did, and if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do it again.  However, I will say my natural instinct is not to be merciful. My mercy is learned from years and years of practicing being merciful.  It’s hard for me to explain this to you beyond that.

Buckley: …So we’re establishing you can’t go back in time.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: It’s of the few things I can’t do. However, to answer your question, yes, what I did to the Nazarene was immoral. However, I must point out you seem perfectly okay with the idea of God doing these terrible things to Jesus for his own purposes.

Buckley: But the whole point of Jesus coming to Earth and dying on the cross was so man would be redeemed and could be eligible for everlasting life. If God led him on to the crucifixion for that point, then it served the greater good. If instead, you are telling the truth, and his death was completely worthless, then there is no justification.

Rausch: Did you ever wonder that perhaps God could have found any other number of ways to redeem humanity without sending his son off to die?

[There is a pause]

Buckley: No.

Rausch: Why?

Buckley: First of all, because it is a Christian mystery, and there is no problem with there being mysteries within the faith. I’m quite comfortable not knowing everything which has happened.  However, it was also important for Jesus to be there so that he may spread a revision of the morality that was present at the time, and for him to be willing to die for his cause displayed the seriousness of the ideas he believed and spread. This brings me to my next point, the subject of virtue. Christian virtue is, and I don’t know what to do with you if you don’t accept this, the bedrock of Western Civilization. 

Rausch: It’s been essential yes. Christianity had wrapped itself around Western Civilization as tightly as a hangman’s noose.

Buckley: I don’t like that metaphor too much.

Rausch: I didn’t think you would.

Buckley: Christianity is the bedrock of Western Civilization, and it instills good behavior in people when otherwise they would very likely behave poorly. Christianity is more responsible for virtue than anything else.  Right now, there are riots going on all over America’s largest cities. Detroit and Chicago are in shambles and I believe this is directly caused by your books, your public appearances, and the groups which have come together taking on your ideas.

Rausch: In terms of the riots and civil unrest going on in the country, there are several other variables going on other than what I’m doing, such as the unpopularity of the war in Vietnam, protests against racism, and new philosophies for general living the young are taking hold of. You are right though that some of the unrest has come as a result of me. I believe that’s growing pains stemming from people adapting to the massive amount of new information I’ve unleased.  That isn’t necessary a good thing, but it’ll change in a little bit of time.  As for your first point on Christian virtue, Christian virtue is just a monopoly Christians claim on rules societies tend to put in place in order to function, regardless of religion.  A lot of the rules given out in the major religions could also be seen in play during the time of the ancient Greeks, and in Rome, and those people had religions which were quite different than what we’re talking about.

Buckley: Hearing you say that, I must respond by quoting Thomas Aquinas when he said-

Rausch: Thomas Aquinas was a pompous ass.  Believe me, I knew him.

Buckley: That’s a bit childish of you, don’t you think?

Rausch: A little bit, but not without purpose.

Buckley: Since I am not going to suddenly believe you are who you say you are and you’re not going to bend to my theology, either because you’re a convinced fraud or the genuine article, I would like to move on to the subject of the current political situation.

Rausch: With pleasure.

Buckley:  Based on your writing it is obvious to me you are a man of the left, or if that moniker doesn’t suit you, a creature of the left.  Could I be wrong about that?

Rausch: My philosophies are a mix of far-left ideas and far-right ideas.  However, I try to toss that all aside and think “what is good for the humans at this point in time?” It may appear to you as though I often come to conclusions which are left of center, but I am more interested in practical solutions above anything else.

Buckley: Could you explain that a bit more? Your mixture of ideas?

Rausch: If I were to go by all my cosmic knowledge, I’d take a nihilist viewpoint to human affairs. You are all so small in the grand scheme of everything, so it would be quite easy for me to discount your existence and carry out actions which are destructive to you with that in mind. But since I have lived at that malevolent capacity for a long time, and I mean a long, long time, I’ve narrowed my focus now so instead I think in terms of what services humanity the best.

Buckley: And what brought about this change in you?

Rausch: World War II and the Holocaust. I was nowhere to be seen when those events were happening, and I should have stopped it.  Not doing so may be my biggest failing.

Buckley: I see, and that is a subject all to itself. Let’s go back to discussing the current state of American politics.  There is a realignment happening in a major way. Military aged men have never been so resistant to a draft in the history of the United States, and older people seem less willing to see their sons go off to war than ever before.  There seems to be less fear from the common people about communism and the Soviet threat.  Most relevant to you, the levels of church attendance are going way down, and less and less people identify as Christian, particularly young people. All this taken into account, we’re looking at a much different electorate, and thus a much different political party system. 

Rausch: Yes, the decline of religiosity has changed American politics in a major way, and I confess that’s due to me. Less people are religious, which leads to less people believing in an afterlife, which leads to less people willing to die in war, and also less people willing to see others sent off to die in a war.  One of the rallying points vehement anti-communist politicians had was that the Soviet Union, our gravest enemy, is atheist, and that the “Christian” United States must thus be against the godless, Communist Soviets.  In this way, these politicians could appeal to Christians over here who were frightened of Christianity losing out to communism. With the decline of religiosity here, that trick isn’t working anymore, and as a result not many people over here care about stopping Communist expansion in Southeast Asia. 

Buckley: Are you not worried about the Soviet Union?

Rausch: I’m a shapeshifting monster. What could I possibly be worried about?

[laughter from the audience]

Buckley: But don’t you think Americans should fear them, at least to the extent that they are our adversaries, and we should be on guard?

Rausch: I worry about them in the sense that it’s quite possible we’ll end up in a head to head war against them, and that could spell the end of mankind. I also know that millions suffer as a result of their political and economic ideology.  However, do I think their system could win out against our system? No.

Buckley: Why?

Rausch: Because we’ve got better industry and military, and that is actually a result of our market oriented economy.

Buckley: Ah, at least you are a capitalist, Mr. Rauschmonstrum.

Rausch: Guilty as charged.

Buckley: Some people have theorized that you yourself are a Communist plot designed to weaken America’s certitude and moral fiber, and that you were created in a lab somewhere in Moscow or Leningrad. How do you respond to that?

[The Rauschmonstrum chuckles]

Rausch: Well if the Soviets are capable of creating beings like me, then there’s no question who’s won the arms race.

Buckley: What do you see the Republican and Democratic parties looking like in the coming years?

Rausch: Well with the decline of the church, the morals will be a bit looser.  I won’t lie to you, there’ll be repercussions over that, but a lot of what is considered moral and immoral in the United States is that way because of the Puritan tradition, not because it was better for the functioning of society.  Once that’s all tossed way, there’ll be a new standard American morality which will be a bit more permissive compared to what we presently have.  In terms of the Democrats and the Republicans, the influence of religion simply will not exist within those parties’ structures anymore.  Other than that, there will still be a party representing the left and one party representing the right just as we have now. Their platforms will be based around most of the issues which are important now; things such as wealth distribution, government size, spending, healthcare, social programs, and the nation’s role abroad.  The social hierarchy will be the most central issue of all, but then again it always was. The only real thing that’ll change is that American politicians will no longer make appeals to superstition to get elected.

Buckley: So you do not foresee humans replacing religion with anything else? I think it’s in our DNA to seek out a higher power.

Rausch: That’s a good question. My hope is humans will not need to replace religion with anything, and it’ll in fact be shown it’s not in human nature to seek out a higher power to base their lives around. Perhaps there could be a revival of philosophy with people really using the great philosophical texts of the past to shape their lives. It may be that the big thinkers of our time could have celebrity roles, and be held in greater esteem than the actors and musicians who presently make up the popular culture.

Buckley: Are you aware a rather sizable group of people have begun worshipping you?

Rausch: Yes, and my response to them is to stop. I am not worthy of worship.  I’m a monster after all.  Right now I have benevolent intentions, but why should anybody take my word for it? I could be trying to trick you. To paraphrase Eugene Debs; even if I could lead you into the promised land, I could just as easily lead you out of it as well.

Buckley: Since you’re mentioning a promised land, didn’t you lead Moses and his followers into the Promised Land?

Rausch: Yes, but that was a long time ago, and that land wasn’t even promised. That was just a lie I told to get them through the hard times.

Buckley: And what do you think of the batch of celebrities who have entered the presidential race this year? Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, John Wayne…

Rausch: It’s not for the best. As much as we may like outsiders in politics, it’s insiders who actually know how the game is played, and who can get the most policies through the legislature and into reality. I think that if any of those men win, they’ll find quickly they’re unprepared for the Presidency. They wouldn’t be able to enact policy, and also would probably be taken advantage of by the advisors they place around them. That could be very dangerous.

Buckley: I’m in agreement with you there.  Come to think of it, when Norman Mailer was on my show last, he actually floated the idea of running for president one day. 

Rausch: Of course he said that. Norman is full of more hot air than anyone else, and I say that as someone who considers myself a close friend of his.

Buckley: What would you say to Marshall McLuhan’s idea that in the age of media, a politician’s image on a TV screen is more powerful than the substance of his ideas, or what he stands for, and that as a result, celebrities have a strong advantage when seeking political office because they understand media, and know how to come across better on camera than a career politician would?

Rausch: I’d say McLuhan’s on to something, and because of that, along with higher name recognition, I wouldn’t be surprised if an actor, or a talk show host, or a newsman became president in the near future.

Buckley: It’s an idea that really gets a person thinking. 

Rausch: I would recommend strongly to politicians and those aspiring to be politicians that they really gain an expertise in the media, and to be always keeping up on cutting-edge ideas and technologies. I’d hate for people with good ideas to find themselves unable to get themselves any attention.

Buckley: As would I.  At this point I’d like to move on to the subject of Vietnam.

Rausch: If you’d like.

Buckley: Undoubtedly we are in dire straits right now. Fighting with the troop numbers we’re willing to put to use, a conventional victory isn’t possible. 

Rausch: I wrote an article against the war in the fall of ’65 if you remember correctly.

Buckley: I do. I shook my fist at certain passages as I read it. 

Rausch: Of course you did. 

Buckley: I still believe the war is for a good cause, although I am not as feverish about it as I was a couple of years ago.

Rausch:
Once it lingers onward for another couple of years, you’ll change your mind. 

Buckley: Perhaps.  Based on what I know about you, I’m sure you have the power to intervene in the war in Vietnam on America’s behalf.

[The Rauschmonstrum grins]

Rausch: I suspected you’d bring something like this up. Yes, I do have the power. I could crush the Viet Cong army if I chose. The war would be over in a day. Regardless, I will not take part.

Buckley: Why?

Rausch: Because I’m done interfering violently in human affairs.

Buckley: It’s as simple as that?

Rausch: Yes, I’ve caused enough destruction.

Buckley: You could so easily bring all of this to an end.  The war would be over tomorrow if you did something as small as announce on television you intended to destroy the entire Viet Cong army unless they surrendered to American forces within a week.

Rausch: I understand, but I can’t budge on this matter.

Buckley: Is that really the moral choice for you to make? Consider the lives you could save if you did these things.

Rausch: It fits my personality morality. Other than that, there is nothing further I can tell you on that subject.

Buckley: My last question for you is whether or not you consider yourself an American.

Rausch: I’ve lived far too long to consider myself a national of any individual country, but America is where I live, and for the moment there isn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.

Buckley: You’ve spent quite a lot of time in the Middle East, if the things you have written are true. Do you have any interest in going back there?

Rausch: Not at this time.

Buckley: I’m very glad you could join us here on Firing Line. You are a fascinating creature.

Rausch: So are you Bill, thank you. 

Agony In the Garden

This post originally appears as a chapter in my book The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum.

 

They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.”  He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he became deeply distressed and troubled.  Then he said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, to the point of death. Stay here, and watch for me.”

 He went forward a little, fell on his face, and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup of suffering pass away from me; nevertheless, not what I desire, but what you desire.”

The Rauschmonstrum, in the form of an angel appeared to him. This strengthened Jesus, and being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.

 The Rauschmonstrum could not believe the agony the Nazarene was putting himself through over a fantasy he had fabricated about his own destiny. It was at this point that the Rauschmonstrum had doubts about his own mission, and considered ending all this and letting Jesus be. “Perhaps what I am doing is too much? Perhaps the life of Nazarene has shown there is more good about the human race than I thought possible before?”

However, after thinking this through the Rauschmonstrum realized things had gone along too far to simply stop now. He must finish what he had begun, and regardless of the endpoint of this adventure, he could always use his experiences with the Nazarene to influence humanity in further ways down the road. 

When Jesus rose from prayer, He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He said to Peter, “Were you not able to keep watch for one hour?  Watch and pray that you don’t enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

 Again, a second time he went away, and prayed, saying, – “My Father, if this cup cannot pass away unless I drink it, your desire be done.”

 He came again and found the disciples still sleeping. He left them and went away to pray for a third time.

It was then that the Rauschmonstrum appeared before Jesus in his true form for the first time.

Jesus’ eyes were closed, praying, and thus he did not notice the Rauschmonstrum for some time.  When, he finally did notice the Rauschmonstrum, even then he did not so much as glance at him.

 “Do you know who I am?” asked the Rauschmonstrum.

“Yes, you are the serpent, come to tempt me away from facing my fate. Be gone with you!”

The Rauschmonstrum laughed.

“ You think I am Satan? I am not Satan.”

“Of course you are Satan, for who else may you be? For I know you are no angel.”

“Quite right…no angel. Certainly not the angel who appeared to you right here…when you were praying before?”

With that said, the Rauschmonstrum transformed in front of Jesus into the same angel he had appeared as before.  He then returned right back to his natural form.

It was clear Jesus was disturbed by how the Rauschmonstrum was able to take the form of the angel and return to his natural form so quickly. Yet, he did not respond, and instead went back to his prayer.

The Rauschmonstrum continued, “Do you remember all the blind you made see, the lame you made walk, and all the others you cured of disease?”

“Yes. Have you come here to mock me for my aid to the downtrodden?

The Rauschmonstrum did not answer, instead continuing his line of questioning.

“Do you remember the time you exorcised the legion of demons from that man in Gerasenes? The demons went from the man into the bodies of some pigs, which then rushed into a lake and drowned.”

“During my ministry I have done many things, and the exorcism of the man from Gerasenes is one of them, yes. But of what use is that to you now, Deceiver?”

 “Do you remember feeding the multitude of five thousand with the five loaves and two fish?

“I have fed many.”

“And do you remember reviving Lazarus from the dead?”

“Yes.”

“You were reluctant to raise Lazarus, weren’t you?”

“I would have preferred it if Lazarus had not died, and I had not needed to raise him.”

“What if I told you,” said the Rauschmonstrum, “that all those miracles you performed were actually my doing, and all of your feats were able to happen only because I wanted them to happen, to spite your foolishness, and the foolishness of the human race.”

Jesus returned to silent prayer for a period of time before answering the Rauschmonstrum. “When I was a boy… I suspected my design was different than that of other people.  I became sure of it the day I was baptized in the Jordan by John. The heavens opened up and the voice of God shouted down upon me ‘this is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased.’”

“And if I told you that it was I who made that voice?”

“No, that is not true. That is impossible!”

“If there is any truth at all, it is that you are no Messiah. But no worries, you will find all that out soon enough. Judas will be returning shortly.” The Rauschmonstrum then vanished.

Jesus spent some more time praying. Then he returned to his disciples and said, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners.  Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”

The Rauschmonstrum and James Toback

This interview originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum.

 

The Rauschmonstrum sat down with James Toback in late 1988 for an interview to be included in Toback’s documentary ‘The Big Bang.’ They discussed human nature, the Rauschmonstrum’s book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex, and the beginnings of the universe.

 

[James Toback, a bald rotund figure in his mid 40’s sits, at a coffee table wearing a dark trench coat.  The Rauschmonstrum sits across the table from him, wearing a matching trench coat.  They are both sipping cups of coffee]

 

Toback: You haven’t done an interview in a long time.

Rausch: Over the last 9 years or so, I decided my time was best used in the shadows.

Toback: When I first met you, I was in my freshman year at Harvard in 1964.  You were on campus giving a lecture on diplomatic policy for the modern age.

Rausch: I remember the occasion well. Ian Fleming was giving a lecture on James Bond in the room across the hall.

Toback: Yes he was, and that caused me a problem because I wanted to attend both of them. I decided a way to solve that problem was to attend both. I would spend fifteen minutes at your lecture, and then go into the other room for fifteen minutes, and back and forth.

Rausch: How’d that work?

Toback: Well, it was interesting.  I was on LSD, first of all.

Rausch: Oh my.

Toback: Have you done LSD?

Rausch: No, but I’ve observed others when they have.

Toback: Well when I was shuffling back and forth between the two lectures on the LSD, I found the two lectures starting to blend together in my head. Since you were talking about the Cold War foreign policy, and Fleming was talking about James Bond and espionage and writing and coming up with ideas; all of those things blended together into one lecture where the gaps in each lecture was filled in by the material in the other lecture. It ran in my head like a great big creative spy story.

Rausch: So everything I said that night blended together with a Bond adventure in your mind?

Toback: That’s right.

Rausch: Must have been an interested night.

Toback: It was. But anyway, for people of my age, you are truly a Herculean figure.  I was thirteen when Jesus & Me came out, and fifteen when you appeared on Mike Wallace’s show, so I was certainly in the meaty parts of my adolescent life, and for you to step in and completely lay waste to the whole understanding of the cosmos and then reshape it in your image, just as you’ve done time and time again in the past, it formulated my own concept of the radical means by which I could and should live my own life.

Rausch: I’m glad to hear it.

Toback: I’m currently putting together a project where I explore the meaning of life and existence with several people. You’ve been around for roughly 100,000 years, so I’m wondering what you have to say about humanity as you’ve seen it over the years.

Rausch: Where does one begin responding to something like that?

Toback: Well, what have been the staple behaviors us humans have demonstrated?

Rausch: For one thing, regardless of what systems you people try to come up with politically, you’ve all always ended up gravitating towards some kind of hierarchy.

Toback: Ah, so there are haves and have nots, and no matter how we may try to disrupt that, there are always going to be haves and have nots separating groups of people.

Rausch: That’s correct, Jim. Now I must say, this doesn’t mean it isn’t good to have certain mechanisms in place so that things don’t get too out of hand in terms of the rich running away with all the money. But regardless of this, hierarchy will always be with us, and it’s actually something to embrace, not to be afraid of.

Toback: This is all reflected in this book you’ve recently released; Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex, in which your main argument is the people put in charge of a country’s foreign policy and diplomacy tend to be very intelligent, educated men, who also tend to have large appetites for adventure, which is why they’re drawn overseas in the first place, and that amongst their appetites for adventure is an appetite for sexual adventure, and they are interested in carrying on affairs in foreign lands with exotic women, and that this behavior is reflected in the policies of the United States.

Rausch: You’ve more or less hit the nail on the head in terms of my book’s summary.

Toback: Funnily enough, I always felt something like that to be true, but I was never able to put it into words before.

Rausch: Currently I’m working on a follow-up book, which will concentrate on these adventuring statesmen negatively effecting the people in the United States in terms of enacting domestic policies which reflect their own high intelligence and high-energy temperament, but which aren’t good for the average and below-average people within the country.

Toback: Could you expand on that a bit?

Rausch: If you’re exceptionally bright and ambitious you are more likely to desire to break out of the traditions and cultural norms of your society, and if you have this desire and you find yourself in a position of power, it stands to reason you will try to alter the culture so that it better reflects your view for how things should be.  However, while this may suit you and the people who share your intellect level and interests, it can have devastating effects on those of medium and low intelligence, for whom cultural norms and traditions provide a much-needed structure.

Toback: Wild.  You saying that is kind of giving me an acid flashback.

Rausch: If that’s because I’ve really stimulating your thinking, then I’m glad.

Toback: I’m going to read a bit more about those subjects. I think of myself as an adventurer, and many of my friends are adventurers, and quite a few of these friends are in high places. So, I can see all of it being true.

Rausch: Most of my friends fit that description, and it was through observing them that I came up with the thesis of my book.

Toback: The other thing I want to say to you is I have a theory about how the universe began.  Would you like to hear it?

Rausch: You’d be amazed how many people have wanted to tell me their theories about the universe over the years.

Toback: You’re the best guy to ask in the world after all.

Rausch: Go ahead.

Toback: I believe the universe began as a kind of orgasmic explosion by God.

Rausch: Is that so?

Toback: Yes, I came up with it while staying in the Shangri Lai Hotel in Santa Monica.

Rausch: Go on.

Toback: That’s all there is to it.

Rausch: Oh.

Toback: I think it fits together with your “the American foreign policy is based on sexual gratification” idea. Is there any validity to it?

Rausch: Maybe if you mean God in the Einsteinian “God doesn’t play dice with the Universe” sense, where God is nature, and the cosmos is the result of an “orgasm” of the laws of physics. In that case you may be right.

Toback: Brilliant. Just what I wanted to hear. Thank you for joining me. I’ll catch you at one of the president’s parties in the months to come.

Rausch: Thank you for including me in your movie, Jim.

Toback: Don’t be surprised if I come back to you begging for financing for my next movie.

Rausch: Of course you will.

Norman Mailer – 1963

The Rauschmonstrum met with novelist Norman Mailer in December of 1963 for an interview which was originally published in Village Voice. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s newest book “The Old Testament & Me”, the November 22nd resignation of John F. Kennedy, the presidential campaign of Christian evangelist Billy Graham, as well as the subject of metaphysics.

 

Mailer: When I first heard about you, you seemed like you were out of a fantasy or science fiction novel.

RM: I’m told that by a lot of people.

Mailer: When I was in the army I developed a theory about God and the nature of the universe. 

RM: Oh boy.

Mailer: On the off chance I’ve misunderstood everything you’ve ever said, could I run it by you and see if it’s correct?

RM: Spring it on me.

Mailer: The way I framed it was like this; God is in a constant struggle with the Devil, and God isn’t guaranteed victory over the Devil. God isn’t all powerful, and he could lose this fight.  As far as humans are concerned it is our job to live our lives with as much vitality as possible in order for the forces of good to triumph over the forces of evil.

RM: It’s a colorful theory Norman, but it’s incorrect.  I’m sorry.

[Mailer chuckles]

Mailer: Well there goes years of sustained thought down the drain. Moving on, this new book of yours The Old Testament & Me deals specifically with your claimed role in a tradition I’m a part of, the tradition of the Jewish people. It cleared a lot of things up for me, and several passages made me laugh to the point of tears.  I was thinking that if I had known back as a child that so many of the events which my ancestors held to be the most important things that’d ever happened to mankind, as detailed in the pages of the Torah, were all just a blob of gobblygook caused because of a shapeshifting monster’s desire to help the people who inhabited parts of the Middle East at a specific point in time, then I wouldn’t have bothered studying in Hebrew school.  

RM: Glad to hear it.

Mailer: You do a good job of showing the nonsense of it all.  I doubt there will be a single believer left in a generation.

RM: Splendid.

Mailer: I remember being a kid and not liking Moses. I’m glad that feeling was vindicated.

RM: Moses was a terrible human being. Without my guidance he wouldn’t have been able to lead a group of people out of a brothel, let alone the desert of Sinai. 

Mailer: And even then, it took forty years.

RM: Yeah, well I was drifting in and out of the region by then.  I was really drained from parting the Red Sea.

Mailer: I’ll tell you though, I don’t like this book quite as much as Jesus & Me, but that’s probably because that was a single narrative while this is more of an anthology of stories.

RM: What’s your favorite segment in the book?

Mailer: Probably the story about King David.  It’s very visceral; bares a lot of edge.  Particularly the orgy scenes.

RM: Of the stories in the book, that was the most fun to write and was also the most fun to live out.

Mailer: I envy you.  On a related note, let me ask you about the Kennedy business.

RM: I like Kennedy. I think what they did by outing his affairs was bad for the nation.  I wish he hadn’t had to resign, but the impeachment process would have done him in anyway.

Mailer: I love Kennedy.  As I said in my essay “Superman Comes to The Supermarket” I thought he had the qualities to bring a great existential awakening to the country.

RM: Did I not bring a great existential awakening to the country before him?

Mailer: No because you’re not a human.  You’ve awakened us in a different way, and maybe even a much more important way, but not in an existential way.  You can’t think and feel the way humans do. Kennedy does.

RM: Touché.  Do you think Kennedy was able to bring about that existential awakening during his time in office?

Mailer: I believe so.  Going through the list of names of women he slept with during his time in office certainly emboldened my own imagination.

[They chuckle]

Mailer: And I’m sure he’ll continue having an adventures life now that he’s a private citizen. I just hope Mrs. Kennedy is doing okay.

RM: I’m sure she’ll be fine after her and her friends get back from their trip around Europe.

Mailer: Yeah, they’re all on that Greek fellow Onassis’ yacht sailing around the Riviera from what I hear.  Have you met Onassis?

RM: We have some mutual friends and business associates. How do you feel about LBJ?

Mailer: As I’ve said publically before, I have a hard time liking somebody if I don’t like their face, and I don’t like Johnson’s face.

RM:  That’s a… that’s an interesting way of looking at it. What do you think Graham’s chances are for ‘64?

Mailer: Well he is a brilliant orator, so I can’t rule him out, but I just don’t think he has the numbers needed.  Many of those who are still believers don’t want him in the office because he’s so rigid. And in major part to you, the number of Christians in the country is crashing as we speak.  Do you think he can win?

RM: Yes, he’s harping all the Kennedy sex stuff into the ground, and it’s a subject which much of the country really cares about, albeit a smaller and smaller part of the country.

Mailer: Is envy the reason they care? The envy Kennedy has been living out this sensuous life, juggling the biggest actresses in Hollywood in these affairs, with all this money, being so handsome, and having all this power?

RM: Of course. Envy is one of humanity’s strongest pulls. 

Mailer: If Graham loses is that it for his side?

RM: Oh yes. With a Graham loss, it’ll be off to the ash heap of history for the influence of the religious element in American politics.

Mailer: Clearly you take a lot of glee in this.

RM: Oh certainly.

Mailer: I admit, I’m not. I’ve often called myself a left-conservative, and that’s because I think when it comes to certain aspects within a society, ripping away a structure because of some ills you find in it is a bad idea because a lot of good exists in the structure too, often more good than bad, and you may not realize how much good there was until it’s gone.

RM: Don’t forget Norman, I created this structure. 

Mailer: That you did.

RM: I like that term you have there, left-conservative, maybe you could run for President in the future on a platform like that.

Mailer: I’d get votes on the coasts and nothing in-between. Let me ask you, going back to what I was saying before about my theory of good and evil, do you think it’s possible you may actually be God, or be the Devil, and not even realize it?

RM: I’ve thought of that before.  I can’t rule it out.  I’ve never had any guidance.  I’ve been simply by myself, and impulses come to me.  Then I form plans, put some of them into effect and see the results.  If there were a God I’m sure that’s what the terms of his existence would be.  So perhaps I might be God.

Mailer: And could you be the Devil?

RM: The Devil I’m not so sure about. The concept of the Devil requires he is responding to something. It requires that he knows God is there and is in constant conflict with this good force. That simply does not apply to me.

Mailer: But perhaps you are the Devil, and there is a God, and you are leading us all astray to be damned for eternity.

RM: I can’t prove to you it isn’t the case, but if I am indeed the Devil leading you all astray, everyone should wonder why God isn’t responding.

Mailer: Grim thought…What do you plan to do next? Are there world events you plan to disrupt?

RM: No, I’m out of the global influence game.  I’m content just being a public figure, writing books, giving speeches, and doing interviews like this. 

Mailer: You’re not gonna stick your fingers into Vietnam?

RM: No, there’d be unintended consequences.  It’s a nuclear age now.  I don’t know how the Soviets would react.

Mailer: So the existence of the nuclear bomb has limited your ability to play a role in man’s affairs?

RM: Yes, and it gives me a sense of horror to say it out loud. That’s changed everything.  But it keeps my negative tendencies in check at least.  

Mailer: You’re definitely a major fixture within modern culture, but I think a being of your infinite capabilities and knowledge should play a larger role than you presently are.  You could churn out great book after great book and educate us about everything, and even invent things to improve our quality of life.

RM: I’ve often told myself I should be doing more. I’m still adjusting to existing out in the open amongst the humans, but I think you’ll be impressed by the work I do in the next couple of years.

Mailer: Thank you Rausch, hope to see you soon.

RM: Take care Norman.

Rausch Timeline

The timeline including at the beginning of my forthcoming book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum.

 

1957- Dwight D. Eisenhower is inaugurated for his second term as President of the United States. The Rauschmonstrum’s book Jesus & Me is released.

 

1958- Jesus & Me reaches the top of the New York Times Bestseller list

 

1959- The Rauschmonstrum has his first public interview, appearing on The Mike Wallace Interview. It is the most watched event in television history up to that point.

 

1960- John F. Kennedy is elected the 35th President of the United States, defeating incumbent Vice President Richard Nixon in a close contest.

 

1963- President Kennedy resigns on November 22nd after stories of his affairs with several Hollywood actresses are printed in the press. He is replaced by Vice President Lyndon Baines Johnson. The Rauschmonstrum’s book The Old Testament & Me is released.

 

1964- The United States escalates its involvement in the Vietnam War after the Gulf of Tonkin incident. President Johnson is elected to a second term after defeating Republican nominee evangelist William Graham Jr.

 

1967- Self-identifying Christians are shown to have declined 25% from ten years earlier.   

 

1968- Republican Governor Nelson Rockefeller defeats Democratic nominee Senator Eugene McCarthy to be elected the 37th President of the United States.

 

1972- President Rockefeller defeats Senator Edmund Muskie to win re-election.

 

1973- The Vietnam War is brought to an end with the signing of the Paris Peace Accords.

 

1975- The Rauschmonstrum founds a technology company, RauschSoft, along with media theorist Professor Marshall McLuhan and software developer Bill Gates.

 

1976- New York Senator Robert F. Kennedy is elected President after defeating former Governor of California Ronald Reagan in the general election.

 

1979- RauschSoft becomes the largest company in the world by market cap, shortly after the smash success of their new computer, the RauschCube.  

 

1980- President Robert Kennedy is re-elected president in a landslide against Republican George HW Bush.

 

1984- Republican Bob Dole defeats Democrat Ted Kennedy for the President.

 

1987- The Rauschmonstrum founds RauschSearch, an internet search engine company.

 

1988- Novelist Norman Mailer defeats incumbent President Bob Dole to be elected the 40th President of the United States in a stunning upset. The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex.

 

1991- The Soviet Union dissolves, thereby ending the Cold War.

 

1992- After President Mailer refuses to run for a second term, former California Governor Jerry Brown defeats actor Clint Eastwood to be elected the 41st President of the United States.

 

1993- Percentage of people identifying as religious drop below 10% worldwide.

 

1996- President Brown is re-elected in a landslide over Republican challenger Dan Quayle of Indiana.

 

1998- The film adaptation of Jesus & Me is released to rave reviews. It goes on to be the highest grossing movie of all time.

 

2000- Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is elected President in a close election over California Governor Warren Beatty.

 

2001- RauschSearch overtakes RauschSoft as the largest company by market cap in the world. Shortly after this the Rauschmonstrum resigns his positions from both companies and sells all his stock in both as well.

 

2004- President Gingrich wins re-election easily over Massachusetts Senator John Kerry.

 

2008- Illinois Senator Barack Obama is elected the 43rd President of the United States in a landslide victory over Republican John McCain.

 

2010- Flying cars are legalized in the United States and immediately become popular.

 

2012- President Obama wins re-election over New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

 

2014- The Rauschmonstrum is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his role in wiping out poverty in Africa.

 

2016- Businessman Donald J. Trump is elected President of the United States in a stunning upset over sitting Vice President Joe Biden. The Rauschmonstrum announces his intention to go into isolation from humanity.

The Rauschmonstrum Interviewed By Mike Wallace In 1959

The following is an interview which took part between The Rauschmonstrum and Mike Wallace on his program ‘The Mike Wallace Interview’ in 1959. It’ll be incorporated in the forthcoming book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum.

Wallace: The book Jesus & Me has taken the literary world by storm, telling the story of a shapeshifting monster who takes it upon himself to start Christianity, and sues Jesus of Nazareth as a tool to make this happen.  Christians worldwide have derided it, and yet it has been praised by many as one of the most imaginative books of the era.  Gore Vidal has called it “a laugh riot, yet deadly serious,” and Aldous Huxley has referred to it as “breathtakingly expansive.” Ever since the controversial book, the question on everybody’s mind has been “who wrote it?” It was assumed the name on the work, The Rauschmonstrum, couldn’t possibly be the author’s real name and was only a pseudonym. Now, in our studio today, the author is here ready for his first public interview. At this point I’m going to ask you to sit down if you are not already seated because in what has got to be the biggest case of an unexplained phenomena in many, many years, the author’s name really is The Rauschmonstrum and he’s not even human.  He appears to be a shapeshifting pillar of smoke. You heard me correctly. I’m just as surprised as you are. 

[The Rauschmonstrum floats above the guest chair across from Wallace with a big grin]

Wallace: I will get to the bottom of who he is and what he is right after this break. The cigarette is Philip Morris.

[Wallace holds up the cigarette in his hand, and things cut to commercial]

Wallace: We’re back. Well Mr. Rauschmonstrum, is that what you go by, or would you prefer I call you something else?

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve gone by a lot of things over the years, and you may call me what you wish. 

Wallace:
Alright, Mr. Rauschmonstrum.  What are you exactly?

Rauschmonstrum: In truth, I’m not quite sure.  It’s a mystery to me. One day I simply came to consciousness and tried to make sense of the things around me the same way a child does. The difference is I did not have the luxury of having beings around who were similar myself to give me any guidance.  I have no parents to the best of my knowledge. As you can see, physically I am made out of smoke.  I can shapeshift into different forms, and I have powers anyone would deem supernatural.  To a large extent, I think that is all there is to say.

Wallace: Can you shapeshift into anything you wish?  

Rauschmonstrum: Oh certainly. Everything and anything.

Wallace: Can you give us a demonstration?

Rauschmonstrum: Of course. How about I take the form of Vice President Richard Nixon.

Wallace: [laughing] If you wish. 

[The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts into the form of Richard Nixon and sits in the guest chair]

Rauschmonstrum: [as Nixon] Now listen here. We need a policy that aggressively counters Soviet influence in the East. My dog Checkers agrees.

[The Rauschmonstrum shapeshifts back into his true form

Wallace: If I hadn’t known any better I would have assumed at that moment you really were Nixon. I’m sure the folks watching at home feel the same way. Did you learn how to do that with time, or were you born with the power?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’d say I was born with it, except that I’m not sure I was ever really born. I think it would be like saying a rock was born.

Wallace: What a curious situation.  What other powers do you have?

Rauschmonstrum: I can do most anything in terms of manipulating the physical world. I give major examples in my book of all of the things I can do; healing the sick, feeding the hungry, raising the dead-

Wallace: Everything you write in Jesus & Me is true?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, it’s all autobiographical. It’s not fiction, the way the New York Times classified it on their bestseller’s list.

Wallace: You understand making claims like that will disturb mass amounts of people around the globe.  Not just Christians, but people of other religions who will naturally be afraid their own religions are frauds perpetrated by you. Atheists, while not believing these religions are true, were at least under the impression that the understood laws of physics still applied. You’ve upheaved that as well by showing yourself.

Rauschmonstrum: I made peace with that when I decided to release the book. 

Wallace: Most people have a lot at stake in the Gospel stories. 

Rauschmonstrum: You’re all in for an interesting couple of years as I reveal more and more of what’s truth and what’s fabrication.

Wallace: Those are strong words.

Rauschmonstrum: If they weren’t strong words, then they’d be useless. 

Wallace: So, for those who have not read Jesus & Me, and aren’t familiar with the story, let’s summarize a bit.

Rauschmonstrum: By all means.

Wallace: The story starts with a description of you and what you can do, followed by your explanation you wanted to create a religion.

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, I wanted to shape humanity a little bit.  Plus, I didn’t like how the Romans were occupying Judea, and I didn’t like the religious laws prevalent in Judaism.  I was looking for a way to upheave both of those things.

Wallace: So, you decided the best way to achieve that was by making someone believe they are the son of God, and they would put the necessary things into effect for your plan to work?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes.

Wallace: And that person you found was Jesus of Nazareth.

Rauschmonstrum: He was.

Wallace: A deep believer would say you couldn’t possibly be telling the truth.

Rauschmonstrum: I know.  But at this point I don’t care. It’s time people toss all this stuff away and move on.

Wallace: You performed all the Gospel miracles and made it seem as though Jesus did them?

Rauschmonstrum: I did.

Wallace: That included feeding the multitude with a small amount of loaves and fish, and raising Lazarus from the dead?

Rauschmonstrum: I did those things.

Wallace: You can just make objects appear, and raise people from the dead. Remarkable.

Rauschmonstrum: I can do those things.  However, it’s important I set a boundary down for all those listening. I will never raise someone from the dead ever again.

Wallace: Why?

Rauschmonstrum: Because when I brought Lazarus back from the dead, I was disgusted by the complacency with which he lived his life afterwards.  He didn’t change a single thing about his life after he rose.  He went right back to doing his menial work, and the most excitement he’d have was dinner with his sisters once a week.  It was all very passive living.  I will not stand to raise more people from the dead, only for them not to take a new appreciation for their lives.

Wallace: Even if it were some great leader or scientist who would be able to contribute great things to humanity if they could be brought back to life?

Rauschmonstrum: Even then, it’d be a slippery slope from there. People would say “if you raised that country’s leader, why haven’t you raised our leader?”   People would beg me to raise up their loved ones and resent me if I didn’t.

Wallace: Tell me about Jesus of Nazareth. What type of person was he?

Rauschmonstrum: Hmmm, I do believe in my book I describe him as the most benevolent man who ever lived.  I stand by that. He wanted to help people.  He truly believed he was the son of God, yet he wasn’t interested in being a king on Earth.  His aim was absolute altruism.  Most people who got to meet him face to face felt the same way.

Wallace: And yet you decided he should die.

[There’s a pause here as Rauschmonstrum looks to be thinking things through]

Rauschmonstrum: When I started my mission to create what’s become Christianity. I didn’t think far ahead as to what would become of him.  However, Jesus himself seemed convinced he was destined to die to save mankind, and I realized him dying in the way he did would be a good was to convince others he really was who he said he was, and then I got the idea for the resurrection and…you know the rest.

Wallace: That take us to the most controversial part of your book, the chapter called “The Real Resurrection.”

Rauschmonstrum: Yes.

Wallace: You claim that once Jesus had been crucified, you stole his body from the tomb he’d been placed in and that you then buried him next to Judas Iscariot’s grave in the so-called Field of Blood.

Rauschmonstrum: I did.  It’s true.

Wallace: And then…you say you took the form of Jesus and appeared before his disciples, pretending to be him.

Rauschmonstrum: It happened in just that way.  Everything the disciples did after that point, spreading the ideas of Jesus, they did because of my appearances in the form of the Nazarene after he had died.  Those appearances convinced them Jesus had been for real.

Wallace: If you are lying or exaggerating about this, I ask you admit it to us now.

Rauschmonstrum: It all happened as I wrote.  No exaggerations, no lies.

Wallace: As I’m sure you realize, if what you say gains mainstream acceptance, it would completely change the culture. I don’t know if anything would be the same.

Rauschmonstrum: Oh, I’m aware. That’s why I wrote the book, and that’s why I’m here tonight.  If I weren’t prepared for any of this, I would not have written the book, and I would not have allowed myself to appear on camera.

Wallace: I don’t know if it’s intentional, but you come off a bit arrogant about this whole thing.

Rauschmonstrum: I wouldn’t say I’m arrogant. But it may be easy for me to appear that way while I’m setting the facts straight about some things humanity has been wrong about for so long, yet they have taken so much stake in.

Wallace: Mr. Rauschmonstrum, if humanity was wrong about the truth for all this time, it was because you led people astray with your trickery. You caused all of this!

Rauschmonstrum: You’re right, I led you all astray. That’s been a habit of mine over the years. But I hope I’m correcting for that now.

Wallace: But why now? You could have revealed yourself at any point?

Rauschmonstrum: For of all, I knew that if I ever revealed myself to humanity at large, particularly in this age of mass media, the whole present order would be flipped over.  Plus, I knew once I was exposed there wasn’t any going back.  People wouldn’t suddenly forget my existence.  It wouldn’t be possible for me to manipulate things on Earth in the manner I had before. Events that happened the last two decades made me feel it was time. There was the horrendous Second World War, and with that the Holocaust, and the dropping of the atomic bombs on Japan, and now there’s this arms race between the United States and the Soviet Union.  These events, I believe, have waged a psychic havoc on the unconscious mind of the people who have been alive for these events.  I think it’s a widespread fear today that one may die in a completely random act of mass destruction. And so, after a great deal of thought, I decided I should make my presence known as a way to counter this existential dread, and let mankind in on quite a bit of how the world and the universe actually works. 

Wallace: Aside from the life of Jesus of Nazareth, are there any other pivotal events in world history caused by you? And what about the other religions? Were you responsible for those too?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but I’ll decline from speaking about that topic at this time. That’ll be the subject of many future books.

Wallace: Well I for one look forward to those books…Rauschmonstrum, is there a God?

Rauschmonstrum: Ah, the big question.  Well here’s my answer.  In all my years, I have never seen evidence that such a being exists.

Wallace: That’ll be a cold thought for many people watching this.

Rauschmonstrum: It will leave them cold at first, but after giving it some time to sink in they will learn to accept it, and then move on to living without such fantasies.

Wallace: There have been rumblings you advise President Eisenhower in an unofficial capacity.  Is that true?

Rauschmonstrum: I think it best not to comment on that at this time.

Wallace: Understandable.  What will you do now? You clearly have the power to do with us what you wish. You could control the global order and direct things according to your whims. Is that what you plan on doing?

Rauschmonstrum: No, I have no intention of playing with humanity for my own purposes anymore. I did that for thousands of years, and it’s left me feeling as though I did it all wrong.  No, for the foreseeable future I plan on spending my time as a writer, a speaker, a developer of ideas to help humanity.  and a general public figure.  I think that’ll be a rewarding way to spend my time.

Wallace: I’m glad to hear that Mr. Rauschmonstrum. Thank you for joining us. It’s been a powerful experience for me having you here, and I’m sure in the future it’ll be considered a historic event.

Rauschmonstrum: My pleasure Mike.

Wallace: I’d like to thank the Rauschmonstrum for choosing to do his first interview with us. He’s sure to be a main fixture on the world stage for many years. Our guest next week will be Ayn Rand. Good night.

A Little Bit About Our Friend the Rauschmonstrum Before We Start

Hia folks, here is the introduction for the soon to be released Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum!

A Little Bit About Our Friend the Rauschmonstrum Before We Start

       The Rauschmonstrum is a shapeshifting monster who manipulates humanity from time to time to suit his desires.  Physically, he resembles a cloud of smoke.  If there’s a historical event of any note there’s a good shot he had something to do with it.  For most of mankind’s history he kept his existence a secret. However, this was to change in the twentieth century.

       Shortly after the end of World War II the Rauschmonstrum could be seen popping up at American and British military functions in Allied-occupied Germany.  Some photographs taken at these events show the remnants of his Cheshire Cat grin as he was in the process of disappearing from view.  Many American and European politicians began meeting with him.  They did this secretly for the most part, but on occasion he was spoken about in print interviews as “my friend Ol’ Rausch,” or “my acquaintance Ol’ Rausch.”  The pubic began to wonder who this “Ol’ Rausch” was after President Truman made a quip about him at a press conference in 1953 shortly before leaving office in an apparent slip of the tongue. 

       Then in 1957 a book entitled Jesus & Me was published under the name The Rauschmonstrum.  It told the story of a shapeshifting monster who lead Jesus of Nazareth throughout his life, tricking him into believing he was the son of God, when he was in reality just an altruistic man with a heightened sense of mania and a Messiah complex.  This book was completely ignored at first, but then became regionally famous in the Southern United States after certain Fundamentalist Christian preachers began organizing book burnings of it.  As these things often go, the vitriol expressed against Jesus & Me gave it increased attention and popularity elsewhere.  By the following year, it was the number one bestseller in the world, and held that position into the next decade. 

       It stands to reason people wondered who the author was.  There was no information about him at all other than his name at the bottom of the book cover. Naturally, rumors began to spread about his identity, such as that The Rauschmonstrum was really just a pseudonym for Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, or John Dos Passos. Many people made false claims about being the author as well.  Finally, in 1959, the Rauschmonstrum had his first interview, appearing on the ABC program The Mike Wallace Interview on June 6th. The world was quite literally never the same.