The Rauschmonstrum and Jimmy Fallon

The Rauschmonstrum had his last interview to date with Jimmy Fallon on December 10th 2016. He discussed his farewell book ‘If I Would Ever Leave You’ the recent election of Donald J. Trump as president, and gave some life advice to the audience.

Fallon: I’m so excited for our first guest, he’s got a new book out entitled If I Would Ever Leave You, he needs no further introduction, please welcome The Rauschmonstrum.

[The audience applauds as Ol’ Rausch floats out]

Fallon: Wow, it’s so good to see you. Man, I remember when I was a kid, religion was actually a thing and now it’s all gone.

[There’s a thunderous applause from the crowd]

Rausch: Your audience seems to approve.

Fallon: It blows my mind just thinking about the career you’ve had, and the people you’ve known. In my time, nobody seems to have had a cooler time than you. You’re just a behemoth. I mean, you made RauschSoft and RauschSearch for goodness sake!

Rausch: You flatter me so.

Fallon: I use those things every day.

Rausch: That’s not special. So does everybody else.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: There’s nobody like the Rauschmonstrum to take you down a peg. So, I was doing some reading, and Stack of Morals seems like it’s really picking up momentum.

Rausch: It’s the fifth most downloaded app in the world last time I checked.

Fallon: Rightfully so, it’s an amazing app. I find it really helps me keep my priorities straight.

Rausch: And be a better person?

Fallon: And be a better person, that’s right. How about you folks? Does Stack of Morals help you?

[The audience applauds]

Fallon: Seems like it does.

Rausch: That makes me very happy.

Fallon: Is Jesus & Me the best book you’ve done?

Rausch: The books are a lot like children. I have a hard time choosing between them, but Jesus & Me is definitely the most important book I did.

Fallon: I know you’re not a person, and so it’s a bit different for you, but there’s no way anyone in the history of the world has ever done as much as you, is there?

Rausch: Well, that’s probably true. However, I maintain that anybody could do what I do if they had certain gifts I have, such as living forever and not needing any sleep.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: That’ll do it. These last couple of days I was reading some of your new book If I Would Ever Leave You. I’m not going to pretend I’ve finished it yet, but it’s kind of structured like a goodbye note, almost as though you plan on leaving us…Rauschmonstrum are you planning on leaving us?

Rausch: I might.

[Shock is expressed from the audience]

Fallon: Seriously?

Rausch: I’ve been in the public eye now for almost sixty years, and it may be time to just go away and let humans do things on their own without me inserting myself into everything. I haven’t decided for certain though.

Fallon: Tell me how I can change your mind.

Rausch: If I think of anything, I’ll let you know.

Fallon: I’ve got this photograph here. Tell me if you recognize it.

[Fallon pulls out a photograph and holds it up]

Rausch: That’s me with President-elect Trump.

Fallon: When would this have been?

Rausch: The mid ‘80s I’d say, based on his hair.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: Did you know each other well?

Rausch: Well, we were friends with a lot of the same people. I sometimes would go to his casinos.

Fallon: You’re a gambling man, Rauschmonstrum?

Rausch: I’ve been known to play a little blackjack or place a bet on a baseball game.

Fallon: Have you ever used your powers to rig things so that you’d win your bet?

Rausch: If I answer that question I won’t be allowed in any casinos every again.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: Say no more.

Rausch: I also would meet Trump sometimes at parties and we’d make chitchat. He occasionally asked me to make public appearances at the ribbon cuttings for the grand openings of some of his hotels.

Fallon: Did you ever go to any of those?

Rausch: [chuckling] No, of course not.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: Would you ever have guessed he’d be elected President of the United States?

Rausch: In conversation he sometimes brought up the idea of running. However, as anyone who knows him would tell you, he brings up a LOT of ideas in conversation.  So no, I didn’t think he’d actually go through with this, and I’m surprised the people voted him in. But then again, his communication skills were always off the charts, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Fallon: I have to ask, does him winning have anything to do with why you’re thinking of leaving us?

[Laughter from the audience]

Rausch: Well no, this book was finished months beforehand.

Fallon: I see.

Rausch: His election hasn’t exactly made me want to change my mind though.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: I’m not surprised. Where would you go by the way? Do you have some kind of fortress of solitude like Superman?

Rausch: I’ve got plenty of those, but if I’m going to leave, I think I’ll do it proper and float around the universe for a long while.

Fallon: When you say long while, how long do you mean?

Rausch: Oh, nothing too time consuming, only five hundred years or so.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: I guess I’ll set my timer for that year then.

Rausch: Do it and I’ll be happy to join you on your program again for my return interview.

Fallon: Hey, considering the life extension technology I keep reading about, maybe I’ll actually be able to live that long.

Rausch: I invented a lot of those life extension technologies by the way.

Fallon: That’s right you did! God, you’ve done so much for us. The possibility of you going away is just unbelievable. I’d like to say it’s like your favorite TV show going off the air, but that’s underplaying things a bit. It’s more like your ten favorite shows of all time going off the air at once.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: Once again it’s not set in stone, but all things must pass after all. Everyone will get over it a lot sooner than they think.

Fallon: My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t happen. But if you do decide to go, and if this is somehow the last interview you ever do, is there any parting advice you’d like to give us humans?

Rausch: Well, you’ll find everything I say in the book, but what I can tell you is to treat each other kindly, be conscious that your personal relationships are the most important parts of your life, don’t drink too much, value time more than money, and ultimately just do the best you can, and accept that ultimately there’s only so much a person can do in a lifetime, and you can’t feel bad for not doing everything you wanted, or not getting everything you wanted.

[The crowd begins to clap slowly. Soon the clapping evolves into loud sustained applause]

Fallon: Well said Mr. Rausch, well said. That was beautiful.

Rausch: Thank you. Of course I would also recommend to the people watching this that they check out any of the books I’ve published over the years.

Fallon: That’s right, you’ve got so many great books. Your book Foreign Policy, Adventurers, and Sex and What I Would Have Done Differently are some of my all-time favorites.

Rausch: Both of which are available on Amazon by the way.

[The audience laughs]

Fallon: Always ready to stick in a plug.

Rausch: Of course. I’ve been in this game a long time, I know how it works.  

Fallon: I usually ask my guests to play a game with me on the show, something with music or dancing or something, but with you I kind of feel like it’s below your dignity. So all I can tell you is I hope you don’t go anywhere, and instead you stick around giving us more and more interesting work for years to come.

Rausch: We’ll see Jimmy, we’ll see.

Fallon: I’ll keep my hopes up. The Rauschmonstrum everybody!

[The crowd applauds like mad]

 

The Rauschmonstrum has not been seen since. To date that was his final interview.

The Rauschmonstrum and Oprah

The Rauschmonstrum appeared for an interview with Oprah Winfrey in December of 2015 to promote his new mobile app, Stack of Morals.

Oprah: As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been trying to get the Rauschmonstrum to appear on this network for a long time. I would call and call and call and call and call, and…nothing. [The audience laughs] Then, last month I’m sitting at home typing along and low and behold the phone rang and it was him.

[The audience cheers]

Oprah: Once I got past the stage of repeatedly asking “seriously, is this a joke?” he told me all about the new project he’d been working on in secret; a phone app for people to construct moral codes for themselves. He gave me a copy of it, and I’ve been trying it out. It’s fantastic. I’m very excited for its possibilities to help people across the world. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum here to talk about his new app Stack of Morals.

[The audience applauds as the Rauschmonstrum walks out in the shape of a human. He walks using a jewel encrusted cane. Ol’ Rausch and Oprah hug, and then they both sit down in their respective chairs]

Oprah: Is there a reason you’re using a cane, Rauschmonstrum? You’re not sick, are you?

Rausch: Don’t worry my dear, it’s just a stylistic touch.

Oprah: I’m glad. You worried me there. I’m not sure if anyone’s ever asked you this, but is it possible for you to get sick?

Rausch: Yes.

Oprah: Really?

Rausch: Yes, I can. Occasionally pathogens get to me, and my powers and speed diminish for a period of time. Sometimes I’ve gone for decades that way. 

Oprah: Yikes. But anyway, this is quite the project you’ve put together here. Have you made any phone apps before?

Rausch: No, this is the first one I’ve done.

Oprah: Had you done any computer coding before? 

Rausch: I learned just for this. I learn fast, Oprah. 

Oprah: So I’ve heard. Now what everybody here’s thinking is what is the Rauschmonstrum doing releasing something like this? You’re the guy who tore down religion, now you seem to be making a new one.

Rausch: I wouldn’t say the purpose of Stack of Morals is to make a new religion. My intention is to bring forth the 21st century version of religion. 

Oprah: Explain that for us. What will Stack of Morals do for people to improve their lives?

Rausch: What Stack of Morals will do for people is it will help them construct their own personal moral codes for themselves through a combination of personality tests, education on different philosophies, and repetition.

Oprah: With the goal of providing a moral structure to peoples’ lives?

Rausch: Yes, that’s the hope. 

Oprah: In my parents’ day it seems as though religion provided the moral structure for most people, and now with religious populations having declined to such a small number, that’s all gone.

Rausch: Yes. I don’t mean that morality itself is gone, but it is hard now for well-meaning people to figure out a standardized way to behave which’ll benefit themselves and society in the long term.

Oprah: So the old religions did perform a purpose?

Rausch: They did.

Oprah: Do you regret ever revealing they were made up?

Rausch: The old religions were all false, and great amounts of destruction was done in their name. However, they were all incredibly useful for maintaining strong communities and civic life. Those things have been damaged in recent decades. I’m suspicious religious faith also taps into parts of human biology which help ward off melancholia. Obviously the old religions aren’t coming back, nor should they. However, since I was the one who ushered in the old, I may as well also be the one to usher in the new. 

Oprah: I’ve been trying out the Stack of Morals app. It’s really easy to use, I really think it’s something people will be able to slip into their lives for everyday use rather easily. 

Rausch: I’m glad to hear it.

Oprah: And it’s stimulating going through the process. I feel by using your app I’m learning so much about human nature, and how our minds work, and how we form habits, and change behavior.

Rausch: That was exactly my intention when I began the app’s development.

Oprah: I look forward to continuing the journey. As you know, there are many people who quite literally worship you. 

Rausch: Of course; the Rauschmen. I’ll take this opportunity to once again denounce them and implore them to disband.

Oprah: The Rauschmen aren’t too happy about this new app you’ve made. They think it’s below your capabilities.

Rausch: Yes, I’ve heard, but then again they’re never happy about any of the stuff I’m up to. As far as the Rauschmen are concerned, the only action worthy of me is to enslave the human race. Which is simply something I won’t do. 

Oprah: Why do the Rauschmen want you to do that?

Rausch: Their hope is after I enslave the human race, a government could be set up where the Rauschmen are in charge. As is usually a case, these people are just after power.  

Oprah: I see. The Rauschmen membership is growing though, isn’t it? I saw the stats; they’re shooting up.

Rausch: Yes, and I think that is one of the symptoms of the decline of the old religions. Hopefully as Stack of Morals gains popularity, there will be no need of groups like The Rauschmen.

Oprah: You’ve also become a bigger and bigger philanthropist in the last couple of years. The percentage of those in poverty in Africa has declined severely in the last couple of years, and I’m sure that’s due to your work. 

[The audience applauds]

Oprah: And they gave you the Nobel Prize for it too.

Rausch: It was an honor and surprise to get it.

Oprah: It’s been discussed that some countries over in Africa could wind up change their names so that they’re named after you. 

Rausch: I’d like to dissuade any countries from naming themselves after me. However, if any of them insist, my favorites of the potential names I’ve heard are Rauschanzia, Rauschland, and Rauschrica.

[Laughter from the audience]

Oprah: Rauschmonstrum it’s been a big treat having you here with us. Please come back soon, I’d really encourage the folks at home to check out Stack of Morals. It’s a fantastic app that can really do a lot of people some good.

Rausch: Thank you Oprah. 

[The crowd applauds as the Rauschmonstrum and Oprah get up, shake hands, and hug]

The Rauschmonstrum on Opie & Anthony

In February 2011, The Rauschmonstrum called into the Opie and Anthony radio program with hosts Greg “Opie” Hughes and Anthony Cumia, along with frequent guest Louis C.K, in February 2013. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s new book, detailing the atrocities he’d committed over the years, and whether he deserved to be charged with crimes against humanity. 

Opie: The Rauschmonstrum is on the line.

Louis C.K: Is he? I had no idea that interview was today.

Anthony: We only let you in on the stuff that applies to you, like when the doughnuts are getting in.

Louis C.K: I’m excited. Rauschmonstrum has fascinated me since I was a kid.

Opie: Ol’ Rausch, welcome.

Rauschmonstrum: Good day gentlemen, how are you?

Anthony: All is well sir, we have your book right here, Human Atrocities and My Atrocities, and it’s pretty engrossing stuff.  You really let yourself have it in terms of self-criticism over things you did and what you really shouldn’t have done.

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, I am of the opinion that in the past I apathetically shrugged off my failings, and when writing this book I decided I must really delve into them in an honest way.

Louis C.K: That’s very interesting because when I was first getting started as a standup, I rarely used aspects of my personal life in my material and I feel as though I never really became any good at it until I took things that had happened to me and things I thought and felt and explored all that stuff in an honest way in my act. After I started doing that, I steadily saw an increase in my quality and positive reactions from the audience.

Anthony: Wow Rausch, looks like you have something in common with Louis here.

Rauschmonstrum: Perhaps I do.

Louis C.K: But like, when I say that, I mean I’d reveal negative feelings about my wife and kids, and telling stories about jacking off in public places. The Rauschmonstrum’s books are about things such as using supernatural powers to fool illiterate Middle Easterners into thinking a wandering carpenter was the son of God, in order to create a religion that pretty much ran the world for around 2000 years.  What I do doesn’t really compare.

Opie: You got down on yourself pretty quickly there, Louis.

Louis C.K: But like, Rausch I have to wonder because you’ve admitted to terrible, terrible things.  Like, if a world leader had done the things you’ve done, he’d have been tried with crimes against humanity, and hung.

Opie: It’s true, he would.

Anthony: Rauschmonstrum, do you agree with this?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, if I were a person I’d be executed but I’m not a person, I’m a shapeshifting monster, so that stuff can’t happen to me.

Anthony: Honest answer there.

Louis C.K: But what I mean is, are there even worse things you’ve done than what you’ve ever admitted to? Like, have you ever cannibalized any babies?

[Opie and Anthony laugh]

Anthony: Jesus Christ.

Rauschmonstrum: No, I have never cannibalized any babies.

Opie: Well that’s good to hear.

Louis C.K: I’m glad to hear it too. But it makes me wonder, if he told us point blank that he had cannibalized babies, what would we do? Chastise him? Tell him ‘shame on you sir for eating all those babies?’ There’s nothing any of us can do beyond that. 

[Opie and Anthony laugh]

Louis C.K: And not just us, the President of the United States can’t do shit about it either. I mean, he’s the Rauschmonstrum.  He can’t get tossed in jail, and I’m not sure he’d even stop getting invited on shows like because he’s so infinitely interesting, and keeps coming up with new inventions for us to use; like replacing the light speed internet he invented with even faster internet.

Rauschmonstrum: The worst thing I ever did was probably kill all the firstborns in Egypt.

Opie: Did you do that?

Louis C.K: He did.

Opie: Why?

Rauschmonstrum: It was part of my plan to get Pharaoh to let Moses and the Jews leave.

Opie: Shit, that’s right.

Anthony: He actually did that.

Louis C.K: And Mr. Rauschmonstrum sir, you’re on the record for admitting to massacring all those people in your books and doing all kinds of other killings; has anything ever been done to try to punish you in any way for those things?

Rauschmonstrum: No, some countries have symbolically banned me from them, but of course none of that’s enforceable.

Opie: What countries? The Islamic ones?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes.

Anthony: Whatever Islamic countries still exist. How many are left? Two?

Rauschmonstrum: The Vatican banned me too back before they got absorbed by Italy. Some of the Southern states banned me in the 60’s, but that passed after a decade or so.

Louis C.K: But like, going back to the killing all the Egyptian firstborns thing, could you explain further why you did that?

Rauschmonstrum: I was putting plagues on Egypt to get Pharaoh to decide it wasn’t worthwhile keeping any of the slaves around, but he wouldn’t relent.

Anthony: This Pharaoh guy sounds stubborn.

Rauschmonstrum: I went to a brothel one night, and while thinking of a big plague that would change Pharaoh’s mind. I did a whole bunch of opium and then decided killing all the firstborns was the thing to do.

[Opie, Anthony, and Louie all laugh]

Louis C.K: So you’re banging shrieking Egyptian whores and then think “What the hell, I’m gonna kill a whole bunch of children.”

Rauschmonstrum: That’s the nature of how this thing occurred. I’m ashamed of it, but that’s what happened.

Louis C.K: But that’s not good enough an answer. If after the Tate murders, Charles Manson had said “this happened, and I’m ashamed of it, but hey it’s what happened, too late,” he still would have been given life in prison, and be considered a horrible person by everybody, but because you’re a monster who’s made out of gas, and can smite people at will, we can’t do anything about you.

Opie: Wow Louie, you’re really ripping into him.

Rauschmonstrum: [jokingly] You’ve got some nerve Louis.

Louis C.K: Are you gonna come kill me now? Because if you are, please give me a head’s up beforehand so I can pig out on fast food for a week knowing it won’t come back to haunt me. 

Rauschmonstrum: Don’t worry, I don’t do that stuff anymore.

Louis C.K: Anymore? Rausch, are you saying you’ve engaged in gangland style murders of people who cross you?

Rauschmonstrum: It’s all in my book, but yeah. Sometimes I’ve engaged with the mob in the United States.  I was heavily involved with New York and Chicago stuff in the ‘20’s.  I don’t want to say much more about it though.

Opie: So you like, knew Al Capone and shit?

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve already said too much.

Louis C.K: What are some of the other really, really bad things you’ve done? I know you created Christianity as a dark, dark joke, and you wish you didn’t do that, and you don’t like a lot of your other misadventures. What else gets you thinking ‘I really should have done that?’

Rauschmonstrum: Coming on this program.

[Opie and Anthony laugh]

Louis C.K: I’m guessing your real answer is “a lot of things.”

Rauschmonstrum: I’d say so, yes.

Louis C.K: Would you be willing to just live in a jail cell for a period of a thousand years to atone for what you’ve done?

Rauschmonstrum: Nope.

Louis C.K: Oh well, I tried. That’s all I can do.

Opie: Louis brings up a good point though Mr. Rausch. You’ve done some pretty disastrous things, but you just go on talk shows like this one and everyone seem fine with it.

Rauschmonstrum: I can be very persuasive.

Anthony: You must be, now that I really think about it. Like, wow.

Rauschmonstrum: And there’s the other key thing, ratings.

Anthony: You are the ratings king there Mr. Rausch.

Louis C.K: Have you ever considered, that if you just made up fictional stories about what you’ve done in your interactions of mankind we would believe you? Like, if you told us there was an intergalactic confederation of planets, and that all these planets had beings like you patrolling them, and that you mingle with these other beings like you, then we would believe your story and the laws of physics would be rewritten based around what you said.

Rauschmonstrum: You may have just come up with the plotline for my next book.

Louis C.K: I’d demand royalties for that book, but I’m afraid if I did that you’d kill me.

Opie: He probably would kill you, Louis.

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve got to get going boys.

Louis C.K: Wait, wait, before you go, I’d like to ask you one more thing.

Rauschmonstrum: Go ahead.

Louis C.K: How do you have sex? I ask because you mentioned banging whores, but you’re a messy blob of smoke and I wonder how you do it. I’m a messy blob too, and that can make sex difficult, but at least I’m a person.

Anthony: He shapeshifts, Louis.

Opie: Yeah Louis, that should be obvious.

Louis C.K: I know that. But when you shapeshift, do you give yourself fifteen penises and pleasure several girls at once?

Rauschmonstrum: Goodbye boys.

[Rauschmonstrum hangs up. Opie, Anthony, and Louis burst into laughter]

Anthony: Dear God.

Opie: Nobody’s ever talked to him like that Louis.

Louis C.K: I kept reading about him, and thinking ‘he’s killed a lot of people, yet he’s gone on Carson and discussed playing golf, and goofed off with Letterman, and been all serious with Charlie Rose; I figured it was about time for him to be treated irreverently.

Opie: He’s totally gonna kill you man.

Louis C.K: Probably, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. 

In case you were worried, The Rauschmonstrum never did seek revenge on Louis C.K.

The Rauschmonstrum on Tavis Smiley’s Show with Cornel West

The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on Tavis Smiley’s PBS program in May of 2011, along with Professor Cornell West. They discussed the Rauschmonstrum’s new book Helping Africa; Eliminating Poverty, and the Rauschmonstrum’s questionable role in the history of American slavery.

 

Smiley: The Rauschmonstrum is…well you know who the Rauschmonstrum is. During the last 50 years, he has upended religious beliefs around the world.  According to the last Gallup poll, less than 2% of all Americans under the age of 60 hold faith in a deity.  He is the founder of RauschSoft and RauschSearch, which are the two biggest companies in the world, and is the author of many books, including the best-selling book of all time Jesus & Me.  He now has a new book out called Helping Africa; Eliminating Poverty, which details his philanthropic efforts to wipeout disease, and lift people out of poverty in Africa.  He has donated a whopping fifty billion dollars of his own personal fortune in order to achieve these goals, and he’s here to discuss them with us. Thanks for joining us Mr. Rausch.

 

Rausch: My pleasure Tavis. You run quite the program here. It’s splendid television.

 

Smiley: Thank you. Also joining us is a man who has been on this show many times before. He is a professor of African-American studies at Princeton University, and is the author of a number of influential books including Race Matters and Democracy Matters. He is of course Dr. Cornel West, and it is a pleasure to have him here as well.

 

West: Thank you Tavis. It’s great to be in this chair once again brother.

 

Smiley: Starting with Mr. Rausch, do you really expect to fully wipeout poverty in Africa over the next ten years the way you seem to in your book?

 

Rausch: I don’t know if it’ll ever be done fully.  America is the most advanced country on Earth, and yet we still have poor people. The bible says “the poor will always be with us,” and that line is actually true. Regardless, I am confident that within ten years, extreme poverty will be wiped out worldwide, and will no longer be something Africa has to deal with.

 

Smiley: I’ve read through this book pretty closely and you obviously did an extraordinary amount of analysis into the empirical data of these problems, and acquired a massive amount of first-hand knowledge you got through visiting Africa.

 

Rausch: Yes. First of all, I’ve spent a lot of time in Africa over the years and so I had a good grasp of the problems they’ve been dealing with for a long time as it is. However, ashamedly I hadn’t gone there for quite some time, pretty much since I released my first book and became a public figure.  However, I was having a talk with my friend Warren Buffet of Berkshire Hathaway, along with Bill Gates one of my co-founders of RauschSoft, both of whom dedicate much of their time and money to philanthropy. After many long talks with them on the subject, I decided it was about time that I engage in philanthropic efforts.

 

Smiley: And what specific things did you concentrate on to help Africa?

 

Rausch: Mainly vaccinations, food and water, tools for agriculture, and educating people over there on how to put the agricultural tools to use. I also can’t discount the investment in new forms of energy. I’ve started a new company, RauschSolar, to help fill that need.

 

Cornel: I admire your work here brother.

 

Smiley: As do I. There’s something I’d like to ask you, and I’m a bit embarrassed to even say it. However, since everyone knows how you made enough bread and fish for Jesus to feed thousands of people, couldn’t you just make all the food Africa needs forever?

 

Rausch: I can do things like that in the short term, but once all the food I create is eaten and gone, they would need my help again, and again, and again. What I’m doing is making for long term positive change.

 

Smiley: The whole ‘teach a man to fish’ thing?

 

Rausch: Exactly.

 

West: Brother Rauschmonstrum, I like what I’m hearing about the work you’re doing in Africa, a continent that has endured so much hurt over the years. I visit there as much as I can, to do the work within my capabilities so that I may help the needy.  However, considering your great wealth, power, and influence, I must chide you for not doing any work of this type up to this point. I don’t just mean over there in Africa. You’ve shown neglect for the poor and disfranchised here as well. You had been completely lacking in your charitable endeavors up until now.

 

Rausch: You’re right. I really have no excuse.

 

West: You’ve suffered from idle hands far more than anyone else I’ve ever heard of. For shame Rauschmonstrum. Since we’re here I’d like to ask you a question which I don’t believe you’ve covered in your body of work, or in any of your many public appearances. How could you allow for the enslavement and subjugation of the African people in the Americas?

 

Rausch: Oh…I supposed I should finally talk about that particular subject. Prominent black intellectuals have been bringing that up for roughly twenty years, including yourself, and I have yet to give a real answer.

 

West: We’ve been mentioning it for a lot longer than twenty years. Brothers Malcolm and Stokely gave speeches about it in the ‘60s.

 

Rausch: Really? I wasn’t aware.

 

West: I hope you don’t try to pull that “I wasn’t aware” line as to why you allowed for the slave trade to go on.

 

Rausch: Here’s the truth. At the time the slave trade was starting it was just the Portuguese doing it, and they were doing so little of it I wasn’t willing to intervene. Then of course came the colonies in the Americas and the slave trade increased. Yet, I thought “huh, it’ll be interesting to see how these colonies develop.” Now, I knew it was wrong, but my curiosity got the best of me.

 

West: That is grossly immoral.

 

Rausch: I am what I am. As you know, I’ve done things worse than that. I have a high tolerance for human cruelty and suffering. I’ve seen so much of it, after all.

West: Am I wrong for being suspicious that part of the reason you are were fine sitting idly by is that it was people with dark skin who were suffering?

 

Rausch: I don’t blame you for your skepticism, but if I told you you’re wrong, would you believe me?

 

West: Not completely. 

 

Rausch: I’m a shapeshifting monster, matters of race mean nothing to me.

 

West: I’d hope so.

 

Smiley: I have to agree with Professor West’s skepticism, but if I may bring up some good Mr. Rausch has done on the issue, I recall you once saying you aided the Union during the Civil War.

 

Rausch: That’s right, I did. During General Grant’s drinking binges, I would appear to him in hallucinations and gave him winning strategies. I did this for the battles of Vicksburg and Chattanooga. 

 

West: I’m glad you helped in that war even if it was a very roundabout way of doing so, but if you had killed the slave trade in its cradle, none of that would have been necessary, and it doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility.

 

Rausch: It’s true.

 

West: I’d also like to ask you about the genocide of the Native Americans perpetrated by the settlers upon their arrival to the continent.  You mentioned before how you cared so much about the colonists you could overlook slavery. Can you say the same for the mass murder of indigenous peoples?

 

[The Rauschmonstrum pauses to think]

 

Rausch: …I wasn’t around for that. I believe I was in Europe while the worst of the atrocities committed against the indigenous American population was going on.

 

Smiley: But the Atlantic slave trade and the massacring of the Natives were going on at the same time.

 

West: Yes, they were.

 

Rausch: That’s the only answer I have.

 

West: I am very disappointed in you, brother. Your answer is an evasion.

 

Rausch: I’m sorry you feel that way.

 

West: There’s one last question I have as I ponder what type of being you are. Do you consider yourself supreme over humanity as a result of your power, wealth, and influence?

 

Rausch: It would be hard for me to say no, considering I could destroy mankind at will, and have always been able to manipulate you all so easily.  I’ve thought about it, and I feel that comparing a human, even the most accomplished human, to myself is like comparing a bike to a truck.

 

West: But my brother, there are flaws in your analogy. Bikes may be smaller than trucks, and can’t go as fast, but they are better for the environment and allow their users a good type of exercise.

 

Rausch: That’s a good point Professor West. I had never looked at things that way. Perhaps humans do have the edge in certain regards. I’ll give that some more thought.

 

West: That’s my finest gift, the ability to shape perspective.

 

Smiley: This sure is some consequential dialogue you’ve engaged in today. Unfortunately, though we’re out of time.

 

West: Thank you Tavis for having us, and hopefully I’ve shed some light on the flaws of this colossus before us so that he may better understand his past failures and use it as fuel in his quest to better the globe and himself, and perhaps the folks at home can learn something from his example as well.

 

Rausch: Thanks for having us Tavis, and it was a pleasure to meet you Dr. West.

 

Smiley: My thanks to the Rauschmonstrum and Cornel West. See you next time, I’m Tavis Smiley.

The Rauschmonstrum and Conan O’Brien

The Rauschmonstrum appeared on the Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien to promote his book ‘Photographs With Famous People.’

 

Conan: There’s no other way to put this than by saying our next guest is a massive ham.

[The audience laughs]

Conan: He’s released many books, most of which I think he puts out just to gloat about all the interesting things he’s done.  His newest one is caused Photographs With Famous People which is a collection of well… photos of him with famous people. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum!

[The Rauschmonstrum comes out and floats over the guest couch]

Conan: Wow, welcome. This is a massive thrill for me and I’ll tell you why.

RM: Do tell.

Conan: You gave the commencement address when I graduated from Harvard.

RM: That was your class?

Conan: Yes, I remember we were all mesmerized by you. I think if all the living presidents at that point in time had been there giving that commencement address together instead of you, it still wouldn’t have been as thrilling as yours was.

RM: Well I’ve met all the living presidents, Trust me, they aren’t much competition.

[Laughter from the audience]

Conan: I believe in a situation like yours, all you need to do is say you want to talk to the president and they go “whatever you want, you’re the Rauschmonstrum.”

RM: It doesn’t go exactly like that, but I do tend to meet with presidents, yes.

Conan: Who was the first President that you met?

RM: Well let’s see…I saw John Quincy Adams bathing naked in a river once.

[There’s laughter from the audience as Conan gives an odd look]

Conan: You watched President John Quincy Adams taking a bath?

RM: Afraid so.

Conan: But that’s not the same thing as meeting him. Well…for some of the less savory members in our audience maybe it is, but who was the first president you actually talked to?

RM: FDR in his later years.

Conan: Right.

RM: The first one I was friendly with was Harry Truman though.

Conan: And what kind of guy was he?

RM: Nice fella. He drank a lot though.

Conan: Of course he did. We’ve actually got this photograph here.

[Conan holds up a photograph of Rauschmonstrum floating in the oval office above some presidents, who stand side by side]

Conan: Care to tell me who you’re with here?

RM: That’s shortly after the inauguration of President Obama. There I am with him, President Gingrich, President Brown, President Dole, and President Mailer in what was actually the last photograph of him taken before his death.

Conan: Oh wow, I didn’t know that. I had President Mailer on a couple of times over the years; endlessly entertaining guy.

RM: Yes he was.

[Conan takes out another photograph]

Conan: And what about this photo?

RM: That’s me on a golf course with the two Presidents Kennedy during a round of golf. This would have been in ’73 when John had been out of office for about ten years and Bobby still had to wait around for his turn in office.

Conan: It always makes me sad that JFK died right before his brother won the presidency. He never got to see it.

RM: Yes, three days before the ’76 election. It was a real shame. Addison’s Disease is terrible.

Conan: And who else have you known? You knew the Rat Pack, didn’t you?

RM: Yes, I knew Frank, Dean, and Sammy really well. Great guys.

Conan: And I didn’t know this until recently, but you knew the Beatles.

RM: Yes, I did.

[There is a cheer from the audience. Conan holds up a picture of the Rauschmonstrum with the Beatles]

Conan: Here you are with them in studio.

RM: It was always great fun to visit them when they were recording. In fact, I played an interesting role in their history.

Conan: Do tell.

RM: I’m sure McCartney will back this up, but shortly after they released their Revolver album I had been telling them a story about a British military man I had known in Germany shortly after the war who was named Sgt. Pepper.

[Conan gives a frazzled look as the crowd cheers]

RM: Next thing I know, a few months later I’m back in the studio at Abbey Road, and they’re singing a song about the guy.

Conan: Wow, that is some story.

RM: It was a horror when John was killed. Very sad.

Conan: It stunned me. I was down and out for months after it happened. On a similar point, as someone who’s immortal, it must be very difficult for you to outlive everyone you’ll ever know.

RM: Yes, it’s…it’s certainly been a lot harder since I became a public figure and started developing a lot of friendships.  As you know, I can do most anything, but I can’t keep people alive forever. That powerlessness can cause disastrous feelings within myself.

[The audience gives a sad ‘awwwwww.’ There is a pause]

Conan: Well on that note…

[The audience laughs]

Conan: Am I hearing correctly you’ve written a screenplay for another movie?

RM: Yes, but I prefer not to speak about it as this time. It’s in pre-production.

Conan: Well, whatever it is, I look forward to it.  Man was Jesus & Mea great movie.  I saw it ten times. How about you folks?

[The crowd applauds]

RM: Thank you. The Jesus & Me movie is something I’m very proud of.  The Best Picture Oscar statue I have for it is one of my proudest possessions.  

Conan: Mr. Rausch it’s been an honor to see you. I’m sure the book will be a success, it’s called Photographs with Famous People, it’s in bookstores everywhere. We’ll be right back.

[The audience cheers]

The Rauschmonstrum on 60 Minutes

The Rauschmonstrum appeared on 60 Minutes for an interview with Mike Wallace to discuss his achievements since the release of his first book, as well as his plans for the future.

 

[Mike Wallace stands addressing the camera]

 

Wallace: The Rauschmonstrum is perhaps the most famous being on the face of the Earth. Since revealing himself to the world with the publication of his 1957 book Jesus & Me, he has been a mainstay on the world stage; publishing further books, educating, making movies, and leading technological innovation.  He founded RauschSoft in 1975 with co-founders Marshall McLuhan and Bill Gates, and later left the company to found RauschSearch, an internet search engine which has since spread to providing other internet services as well.

 

[The outside of a huge mansion surrounded by trees is shown on screen]

 

Wallace: [Voiceover] Nowadays, the Rauschmonstrum, or Ol’ Rausch as he is affectionately referred to from time to time, spends much of his time in his sprawling, Xanadu-esque estate in San Simeon, California.  Oftentimes, he is entertaining friends, many of whom are amongst the top levels of Hollywood, Wall Street, and Washington.  As always, he has several projects in the air at once.

 

[The Rauschmonstrum is in the shape of a person, wearing a smoking jacket, sitting across from Wallace]

 

Wallace: It’s been around 45 years since we’ve spoken last.

 

Rausch: You haven’t aged a day.

 

Wallace: [chuckling] And you really haven’t aged a day.  It’s still pretty common for people to come up and tell me that that interview we did that day changed the course of history.

 

Rausch: Do you agree with them?

 

Wallace: I don’t see how I couldn’t. As I re-watch it though, I’m struck by something you said. You said “for the foreseeable future, I plan on being a writer, a speaker, a developer of ideas, and a general public figure.” That’s more or less exactly what you’ve done.

 

Rausch: Yes it has.

 

Wallace: How have things deviated from what you’ve imagined?

 

Rausch: I didn’t expect to be the business tycoon I became.  That was just a fluke of circumstance.

 

Wallace: There are always surprises.

 

Rausch: Indeed.

 

Wallace: In what other ways have things been different from what you expected?

 

Rausch: Well, most importantly I’ve become involved with so many different people that I find myself with levels of empathy for the human condition more than I ever had before, and it keeps growing and growing.

 

Wallace: Would you have been as destructive as you were in the past if you had possessed this empathy?

 

Rausch: No, probably not.

 

[Shots are shown from the inside of Rauschmonstrum’s house. There are Picasso and Renoir paintings on the wall, large bookcases filled with books, and lots of photographs of the Rauschmonstrum with many famous people]

 

Wallace: [voiceover] Nowadays, having left the boards of all his companies, and slowing the pace of his output, he seems less interested in celebrity.

 

[We are back to Wallace and the Rauschmonstrum sitting across from each other]

 

Wallace: Do you have any concrete plans?

 

Rausch: No. I’m working on a new book, which is moving a lot more slowly than usual, and other than that I’m pretty idle.

 

Wallace: You sound a bit weary. That’s not a tone people are used to hearing from you.

 

Rausch: Well, there’s a lecture by the philosopher Alan Watts where he says that if a person were able to make all their desires happen at will, after they’ve finished exploring all those desires, boredom and emptiness set in.

 

Wallace: So you’re bored, Rauschmonstrum?

 

Rausch: In a way.

 

Wallace: Should we all be concerned by that? You’re liable to do any number of unsavory things to soothe your boredom. 

 

Rausch: No, I don’t think there’s anything for anyone to worry about. As I mentioned before, I care much more about humanity now than I ever did before, and I could never bring myself to behave badly as I used to.

 

Wallace: The major religions have all pretty much faded away, much as you said you hoped would happen during our first interview more than forty years ago.  Do you think that has been a completely positive turn of events?

 

Rausch: No.

 

Wallace: No?

 

Rausch: There have been drawbacks. Some of these drawbacks I predicted, such as morals loosening. That hasn’t been the worst of it though. What has been the worst of it, and which I wish I had considered before, is that there are rituals associated with religion which tap into certain biological needs, which are harder to fulfill through secular means.

 

Wallace: Such as?

 

Rausch: Namely community. If you gather a group of people together to worship a big orb they think cares about them, the people are quite likely to care about the folks worshipping the orb with them. Decreased religiosity has caused a decrease in the amount of thread connecting individuals with each other, and the secular alternatives to this kind of communion aren’t very good. Political movements are one of these alternatives and…you know where that goes.

 

Wallace: Many commentators have been writing about that problem as of late.

 

Rausch: And for good reason.

 

Wallace: Some have turned to worship you as a replacement.

 

Rausch: As they have for many years, and I always make a point to tell them to stop it.  They’ll inevitably end up disappointed. I’m a monster, not a deity.  

 

Wallace: Do you ever think to yourself considering all your worldly success “is this all there is?”

 

Rausch: Honestly, yes.

 

Wallace: That’s a thought that will leave a lot of people feeling cold. If the Rauschmonstrum isn’t happy, how can mere mortals hope to be happy?

 

Rausch: I don’t know what to tell you.

 

Wallace: [voiceover]: 60 Minutes will return after these messages.

The Rauschmonstrum and David Letterman

The Rauschmonstrum appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman in December of 1998 to discuss the release of the film adaptation of Jesus & Me.

 

Letterman: Our next guest certainly needs no introduction.  His 1957 book Jesus & Me is one of the bestselling books of all time. Its movie version comes out Christmas Day starring Tom Cruise as Jesus, please welcome the Rauschmonstrum.

[The audience cheers as the Rauschmonstrum floats out]

Letterman: I don’t think this gets said enough but you really are a terrifying presence up close. 

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve been told that before.

Letterman:
You’re pretty much a demon.

Rauschmonstrum: The Catholic Church used to refer to me as just that. In fact, some denominations of the few that remain still insist I am a demon.

Letterman: Yeah, those churches really went kablooey after you showed up.  I was raised Lutheran, and one night Mother was watching a program of you on television, and then that was it for going to Church.

Rauschmonstrum: A lot of people send me letters telling me similar stories.

Letterman: I think that old church in my neighborhood is a strip mall now.

Rauschmonstrum: Strip malls may actually be worse.

Letterman: Maybe. Now you uh…you’re a real powerful guy aren’t you? You could kill us right now if you wanted to?

Rauschmonstrum: The critics kill you enough Dave. No need for me to do it too.

Letterman: That’s true.

Rauschmonstrum: And besides, keeping you alive only punishes you more. 

Letterman: You might be right. But seriously, you have it in your command to destroy mankind, and you’ve certainly messed with us quite a bit over the years. What’s it like to be all powerful?

Rauschmonstrum: The women seem to like it. 

[The audience laughs]

Letterman: I bet. So the love life is going swimmingly?

Rauschmonstrum: Can’t complain.

Letterman: Maybe you should sell a men’s vitality supplement. It’d probably sell really well.  Hell, I may even give it a try.

Rauschmonstrum: I don’t need any more money Dave. 

Letterman: Speaking of that, what is your net worth at this point? You’ve got to be the best-selling writer of all time, you own all these big companies-

Rauschmonstrum: My book sales are still behind the Bible.

Letterman: Is that right?

Rauschmonstrum: Not that the Bible sells too well nowadays. 

Letterman: You have a little something to do with that I suspect.

Rauschmonstrum: Where’d you get an idea like that?

[Laughter from the audience]

Letterman: I’d hate to repeat the question, but how much money do you have?

Rauschmonstrum:
I don’t know. I don’t keep count.

Letterman: Funnily enough, I count all of mine… do you like people?

Rauschmonstrum: To the best degree I can, considering I don’t really understand humans too well. 

Letterman: And what don’t you understand about us?

Rauschmonstrum: Well for one thing, why millions of people would tune in to watch a show like this.

[The audience laughs]

Letterman: You gotta love this guy. I’m actually surprised this movie got made. I had been hearing since I was a kid “oh, they’re making a Jesus & Me movie,” and nothing would come up. So this time around when it was actually getting made I still didn’t believe it was really happening until I saw the first trailer.

Rauschmonstrum: And quite the trailer it was if I do say so myself.

Letterman: Yes, and I’m sure the movie will do very well.  Everyone knows the book, and Tom Cruise is a box office smash for everything he’s ever been in. And they’ve got Willem Dafoe playing you, don’t they? For scenes where he’s in human form?

Rauschmonstrum: Yes they do. And Dafoe really does a splendid job.  Everybody in it does.

Letterman: I certainly look forward to seeing it. The Rauschmonstrum everybody! The movie Jesus & Me comes out next week. Don’t miss it.

Charlie Rose Interviews The Rauschmonstrum

This transcript originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum sat down with Charlie Rose on his PBS program on August 6th, 1993 to discuss his new book “What I Would Have Done Differently,” his companies, the economy, the fall of the Soviet Union, demographic changes, the recent election and inauguration of Jerry Brown as President, and many other things.

 

Charlie Rose: Tonight’s guest may well be the figure of the century. When he first burst upon the scene with his debut book Jesus & Me there was worldwide shock and backlash. It also resulted in heavy societal restructuring. The number of believing Christians have declined to less than two percent of the population, Islam has dwindled down to similar numbers, and it is rare to find a practicing Jewish person, but as my friend Billy Crystal once remarked, “then again it always was.”

 

[The Rauschmonstrum chuckles]

 

Charlie Rose: He has been the subject of an endless amount of music, film, and literature, and his own work as an author has been described as “the works most essential for understanding humanity since Shakespeare,” by no less an authority than Harold Bloom. His latest book Is entitled What I Would Have Done Differently, detailing his regrets as to how he’s handled his interventions and lack of interventions in human affairs. It is a privilege to welcome The Rauschmonstrum, or Ol’ Rausch, to this table for the first time.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Fantastic to be here Charlie.

 

Charlie Rose: When I think about you, the question I keep asking myself is “what more can you possibly want that you don’t already have?”

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’s a good question.  I’m not sure I know the answer.  I find it difficult to explain this to people but having been around as long as I have been-

 

Charlie Rose: About as long as humanity’s been around.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes. When you’ve been around as long as I have its hard to get pleasure out of anything.  This was already the case for me when I got into the religion making business all those thousands of years ago.  As I recount in this book, and have spoken at length about in the past, the reason I ended up creating Christianity was that I was bored.

 

Charlie Rose: That’s a statement many people had trouble with.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, they did.

Charlie Rose: And it still troubles people today to a lesser extent as well.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well today the issue people usually have with it is that I caused a great deal of damage to mankind by creating this thing and then letting it go on and become more and more powerful and just standing back as an observer.

 

Charlie Rose: And why did you stand back for so long?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well that’s what this book is about.

 

Charlie Rose: My interpretation from reading it is that you were quite good at distracting yourself for long periods of time, and after things had spiraled out of control you guilted yourself for not acting sooner and that caused you to hesitate further, and the next thing you knew a thousand and a half years had gone by.

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s the major part of it. The other thing of course is my fear that by intervening further I’d just make things worse.

 

Charlie Rose: Are there lessons for others to learn from your failures?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Well the stakes are usually a lot higher when I make decisions, but yes.  Decisions made out of a desire to do good for people in a transparent way will usually have better long term returns than decisions made with the intent to mislead or hurt. The other thing others can take out of it is that under most circumstances it’s better to go with your instincts and deal with the consequences for better or worse, rather than brood over things for a time and often not come to any decision at all.

 

Charlie Rose: Earlier this year Jerry Brown was sworn in as President.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It was a pleasure to attend his inauguration.

 

Charlie Rose: Have you attended any other presidential inaugurations?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Several, although not always in my true form.  At the inauguration of Norman Mailer, I played a little joke with him beforehand where I shapeshifted into someone else’s form and he had to guess which person at the ceremony was me in disguise.

 

Charlie Rose: You were critical of President Mailer during his final years in office.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes. I’ll be honest, when he first announced his candidacy in ’88 I thought he had no chance of winning. But he had expressed some pivotal ideas in his writing over the years, and I knew him being on a debate stage speaking his mind would be good for the nation.  He interviewed me once years ago, actually.

 

Charlie Rose: Oh, I’m very well aware; for his Village Voice Magazine.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It was clear to me then that he had a radical mind.  When he actually won, I was shocked, but felt maybe he could take some of those ideas from his books and conjure them into something useful politically.  But I was wrong about that too. He had no idea what he was doing. It was noble of him to step aside and not seek re-election. 

 

Charlie Rose: What should he do now?

 

Rauschmonstrum: What all former Presidents do, remain a part of the discourse, and write some books. His books will be a bit better than his predecessors because he’s had some practice.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you intend to have influence over the Brown administration?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’m ineligible for a job because I’m not a US citizen.

 

Charlie Rose: Would you be interested in having an unofficial advisory role?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’m not sure.  I’ve had unofficial roles advising previous presidents, though I won’t go into that any further.

 

Charlie Rose: A lot of countries are squeamish about doing that.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It always appears as though I’m taking a side globally.

 

Charlie Rose: Well considering your history, other countries have a reason for being afraid.

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’ll probably be the subject of my next book.  Honestly though the only way I plan on intervening on a global scale again is if the fate of mankind is at stake, or there’s a war on the scale of World War II brewing again.

 

Charlie Rose: It was the atrocities of World War II and the Holocaust that convinced you to become a public figure, weren’t they?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, the shame that I was off wasting my time while all that horror was happening is a point of real shame.

 

Charlie Rose: What had you been doing at that time?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I was in South America pursuing hedonistic delights. It hurts just thinking about it. I should have been in Europe putting a stop to all that ghastliness.

 

Charlie Rose: Were you surprised the Soviet Union fell apart so quickly?

 

Rauschmonstrum: Oh yes, that caught me by surprise.  All my CIA contacts felt the same way.

 

Charlie Rose: The only one who wasn’t surprised was Ronald Reagan.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Yes, but he’s always operated on a different level in terms of unfaltering optimism.

 

[Rose takes some time to laugh]

 

Charlie Rose: What happens now in terms of the global order?

 

Rauschmonstrum: It’s an interesting question. I’m afraid I don’t know where to begin with it. The technology is accelerating at a faster and faster rate.

 

Charlie Rose: [chuckling] You’ve had a lot to do with that.

 

Rauschmonstrum: I have. RauschSoft and RauschSearch have been behemoths, and our competitors have followed suit as well.

 

Charlie Rose: But you’re not sure if what you’ve done is for the best.

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s correct.

 

Charlie Rose: Why?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I think the technology makes it a lot easier for people to distract themselves from their problems and create distance within their relationships with each other.

 

Charlie Rose: Many would say “look at the increased capacity for learning through these computers.”

 

Rauschmonstrum: That’s true. That is probably the best use for computers, and I would encourage those listening to systematically plan out strategies to maximize their time online learning things.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you think you could cause technological progress to slow down if you wanted to?

 

Rauschmonstrum: No, it’s a Pandora’s box thing.  Once it’s begun…

 

Charlie Rose: We had Professor Francis Fukuyama on not too long ago and he spoke of his theory of The End of History.  He wrote a book about it.

 

Rauschmonstrum: I’ve read the book.

 

Charlie Rose: Do you buy into his idea that with the Soviet Union gone there may no longer be any major changes in terms of global affairs or how societies work?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I don’t. Professor Fukuyama expresses a too optimistic viewpoint in a worldwide democratic status quo, and-

 

Charlie Rose: And you’ve been around for too long to think any system can last forever.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Exactly.

 

Charlie Rose: Christopher Hitchens was here recently.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Of course he was. He goes anyway there’s a camera.

 

Charlie Rose: He had some things to say about you.

 

Rauschmonstrum: As he tends to do.

 

Charlie Rose: Roll the clip.

 

[Archive footage of Christopher Hitchens with Charlie Rose]

 

Hitchens: Now, I would say that at this point this flabby smoke monstrosity should simply depose himself.

 

Charlie Rose: Why is that?

 

Hitchens: We are people and therein we are sovereign and should have no overlooking force to undermine us.  As long as Rauschmonstrum is around, he threatens our sovereignty, and his history has shown he has no qualms about interfering with us, no matter how reformed he claims he is now.  He should leave Earth and go float around the cosmos for a couple thousand years.

 

[End of archive footage]

 

Charlie Rose: What do you think of that?

 

Rauschmonstrum: He’s not quite wrong.

 

Charlie Rose: So he has a point? Maybe you should leave?

 

Rauschmonstrum: I do kind of hold the sway of the global order in the palm of my hand. Perhaps that is too much power for a single being.

 

Charlie Rose: So we may one day find you have left Earth?

 

Rauschmonstrum: You might.

 

Charlie Rose: We’re out of time. It’s been a pleasure.

 

Rauschmonstrum: Thanks Charlie.

The Rauschmonstrum and Johnny Carson

The Rauschmonstrum appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson in October of 1979 to discuss the release of his new movie ‘False Clock.’

Carson: The guy who’s about to come out here; it’s fair to say I’m not gonna see him out in the bars too much.

[The audience laughs]

Carson: He’s got a new movie out which he’s written and produced called False Clock. I’m sure he can’t wait to tell us all about it. Please welcome the Rauschmonstrum.

[The audience applauds and the Rauschmonstrum comes out

Carson: Now, we’ve never actually met before.

Rausch: No, though I’ve seen you on the golf course on occasion. I should have said hi.

Carson: That’s right, I remember now. You were there with Sinatra and Dean Martin.

Rausch: I didn’t want to drop their names, but yes. 

Carson: Now this is an extraordinary movie you’ve got here; I mean you’ve got Marlon Brando, Jack Nicholson, Warren Beatty, Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway, and Katherine Hepburn as the main cast; Orson Welles directed the picture. You wrote the script with Orson, didn’t you?

Rausch: We wrote it together, yes. I can’t tell you how proud I am of this movie. Pauline Kael in one of the earliest reviews called it the best movie of the decade. 

Carson: That’s really some praise coming from somebody like her. So how did this project get started? For a while we kept hearing that a Jesus & Me movie was in the works, and it hasn’t happened.

Rausch: Well Jesus & Me was being negotiated. I was having meetings with all the studio executives, and ultimately I was dissatisfied with what they offered. 

Carson: You mean they didn’t write you a big enough check?

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: Well-

Carson: Come on now Mr. Rauschmonstrum. With the dough you’re pulling, you make me look like a pauper. 

Rausch: No, it wasn’t because of reasons of money. After some time of negotiations, I was offered more money than anyone else ever had for their book’s movie rights. The reason I haven’t accepted a movie deal is because I haven’t liked the scripts I’ve seen. There’s limited imagination from the studios in regards to what to do with the story.

Carson: That’s too bad. 

Rausch: Since I wasn’t going to take any of these deals, I decided to put to use the contacts I’d made in Hollywood during the process and get an original story of mine made. 

Carson: Fascinating. And once you made that decision, did it take much time to get this original project off the ground?

Rausch: This being Hollywood it definitely took me longer to assemble the pieces than I would have liked.  By that I mean the actors and the unionized crew. The money for the budget took no time at all to get together because it was mostly mine, and the rest of it came from some wealthy businessmen I know.

Carson: Next time you do something like this, please let me in on it, you seem like a guy who can get a fella a good return on an investment.

Rausch: Will do.  

Carson: Was Orson jumping with joy to get started?

Rausch: Actually no. He’d been spending his time gallivanting around Europe and he wasn’t eager to leave all that behind.

Carson: I’ve seen him over there. He really likes to avoid work.

Rausch: He had also lived a life which has made him skeptical of people who promise him complete freedom on film projects. He’s been lied to too many times. I had to bring him a suitcase full of cash to get him to change his mind. 

Carson: Suitcases full of cash have a way of doing that.

Rausch: Indeed they do.

Carson: And you’ve got plenty cash. 

Rausch: Enough of it.

Carson: So what’s this movie about? 

Rausch: It’s about some men who have done something really bad, and are looking back on the circumstances that lead to their really bad deed, and they’re wondering if they can overcome it, in terms of how their future will go. 

Carson: That’s a pretty vague plotline, but it does its job, I’m certainly interested in seeing it. How about you folks? 

[The audience applauds in approval. Some people whistle as well]

Carson: Did you enjoy the process of producing? 

Rausch: Very much so. I hope to do more of it. 

Carson: And will Jesus & Me still be made into a movie eventually? 

Rausch: Definitely.

Carson: Sooner rather than later?

Rausch: I hope so.

Carson: Tell us a little bit about your computer company. And while you’re at it, tell us a bit about what your computers do. I’m still getting a hang of the concept that regular people can own computers.

Rausch: Yes. My company is called RauschSoft, and our computers will aim to make everyday tasks easier, such as doing calculations and making lists. We will keep making updated versions of them in the coming years which are smaller, and cheaper, and able to perform more and more functions. I think you’ll be amazed by what we come up with soon.

Carson: What do you see on the horizon in the field?

Rausch: The ability for people to send messages to folks on the other side of the world in a matter of seconds. 

Carson: That’s wild stuff. Good luck with that. We’re glad you could join us, and hopefully you can join us again sometime.

Rausch: My pleasure Johnny. 

Carson: We’ll be right back with Burt Reynolds.

[The audience applauds]

 

The Rauschmonstrum and Dick Cavett

The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on Dick Cavett’s program The Dick Cavett Show in December of 1973. He discussed his new job as a professor, his hopes for a Jesus & Me movie, and his disapproval of people who worship him. Woody Allen also stops buy.

 

Cavett: Our first guest this evening is one of a kind. He is the author of the classic books Jesus & Me and The Old Testament & Me, and has recently taken up residence here in New York where he’s spending the semester teaching courses in physics, chemistry, and history at Columbia University. He also lectures around the country which can’t be too hard considering he doesn’t need a plane.  He just floats around everywhere.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: There’s a lot of other interesting things he’s up to which I hope to discuss with him.  Please welcome The Rauschmonstrum! 

[The audience applauds as the Rauschmonstrum floats out]

Cavett: Mr. Rausch, good to see you. Most guests sit in chairs on the show, but you can just float over one. 

Rausch: I can change shapes, you know.

Cavett: Yes, I’ve read all about that in your books. 

Rausch: Since I like your show so much, I’ll make myself more suitable for your setup.

[The Rauschmonstrum takes the form of a skinny, human shaped version of himself, wearing a tuxedo and holding a cigarette holder. The crowd applauds at his new appearance, and Cavett gives a stunned look. The Rauschmonstrum sits in one of the guest chairs]

Cavett: Well Mr. Rausch, you’re now easily the best dressed person to ever step foot in this studio.

Rausch: Charmed to hear that.

[The Rauschmonstrum takes a puff from the cigarette in his holder] 

Cavett: Now for a creature like yourself, do you get any effects from nicotine?

Rausch: No, it’s all for show, but I like it just the same. 

Cavett: It’s quite becoming of you.

Rausch: Yes, but it would be irresponsible of me if I didn’t use the occasion to say ‘kids, don’t smoke, it’s terrible for you.’

Cavett: We’re not going to see any scientific research in the coming years saying cigarettes are actually good for us, are we?

Rausch: No, you’re not. 

Cavett: Is there any other health advice you could give us, considering all your knowledge? 

Rausch: Sugar is much worse for you than fat. Companies that sell sugar products are trying to cover that up.

Cavett: Hmmm, those companies account for half of our sponsors, so…

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: We’ll probably be canceled by the end of the week. In all seriousness though Mr. Rausch, there’s a lot I’d like to discuss with you. 

Rausch: Is there? I thought you just wanted to lounge and maybe play a little cribbage. 

Cavett: You’re a lot more playful than I remember seeing you in other interviews.

Rausch: Well a funny thing happened to me on my way over here today, I realized I’m having the time of my life. 

Cavett: Ah, so this is the best part of your two-thousand-year life?

Rausch: I’m older than that.

Cavett: That’s right, you are. Remind us all how old you are.

Rausch: I don’t have a definitive number, but I’ve been around at least as long as humans have been around, so I’m a little bit older than 100,000 years, I’d say. 

Cavett: I’m pushing forty and I’m having a hard-enough time imagining being that age. 

Rausch: Child’s play. 

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: So how’s you end up getting your teaching job?

Rausch: I decided teaching would be a valuable use of my time, so I went to the Columbia University dean and told him what I wanted to do.

Cavett: As simple as that?

Rausch: Yes Dick. As you can imagine, I know a lot of things. 

Cavett: I hope so. I’d hate to think you were completely empty headed after all your experiences.

Rausch: The dean was quite happy to have me, and I figured it was worthwhile for me to share some of that knowledge with the youth. 

Cavett: And you’re teaching a diverse group of subjects too.

Rausch: Well history is what I know best because I’ve lived it.

Cavett: You’re responsible for a lot of it. 

Rausch: I’m responsible for a lot of it, yes. And hopefully I can clue my students in on some things that have previously been misunderstood. 

Cavett: And what about physics and chemistry? 

Rausch: Over the years I’ve had to find ways to occupy my time when I wasn’t fiddling around with humanity. I picked those subjects up on the side.

Cavett: Are you enjoying New York? 

Rausch: Of course.  The city never sleeps, which suits me well since I don’t either.

Cavett: I don’t know if you know this, but New York City has a lot of good restaurants.  You should check some of them out.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: I’ll take that advice.

Cavett: And do you expect this will be a long-term career for you?

Rausch: Well Dick, I like to take things as they come. So as for how long I’ll be a professor? I don’t know. Hollywood keeps calling. One of these days I may answer them.

Cavett: That’s right, the studios are in a bidding war for the rights to do a Jesus & Me movie, aren’t they?

Rausch: They sure are.

[The audience applauds]

Cavett: Let’s talk a bit about that.  Jesus & Me is the bestselling book of the 20th century, so I can assume if there’s ever gonna be another Gone with the Wind in terms of money made, it’ll be a Jesus & Me movie.

Rausch: My story is a bit more controversial than Gone with the Wind

Cavett: That’s true. But I would think that means the box office money made for your movie would be even higher. Are you in negotiation with all the major studios as we speak? 

Rausch: Yes, but I’m holding out for more money from each of them.  Paramount will send me an offer, then Universal will send me an offer, then MGM, and so on and so on.  Once everyone’s given me an offer I go back to the beginning of the line and the offers get bigger and bigger.  It’s like a merry-go-round. 

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: You know, I’ve had a lot of guests here from Hollywood and none of them have ever been nearly as honest about how the negotiation process goes than you just were.

Rausch: I’m able to explain it this way because I have nothing to lose. I don’t eat, I don’t need to live anywhere, so I don’t need any money.

Cavett: You are a wealthy man though, aren’t you? I hope I don’t embarrass you too much with that question.

Rausch: I am extraordinarily wealthy. 

Cavett: And you do have houses, don’t you? Even though you don’t need them?  I heard you have a mansion in Bel Air next to Jerry Lewis. 

Rausch: Guilty. I said I don’t need to live anywhere, not that I don’t want to.  It’s great to own houses and to invite friends over for festivities.

Cavett: I agree.  Do you expect your negotiations for Jesus & Me to be finished soon? 

Rausch: We’ll see. It depends on the script and the casting they present me with.

Cavett: Who would you like to see play you in a movie? 

Rausch: Orson Welles.

[There’s laughter from the audience]

Cavett: He’s got the strong voice needed for something like that.

Rausch: Indeed.

Cavett: And who would you like to see play Jesus? 

Rausch: Warren Beatty. He’s got the right hair. We’d have to do this movie soon for him to be in the right age range though. 

Cavett: Would it be too absurd a suggestion for Jack Nicholson to do it?

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: He may be more suitable playing Judas.

Cavett: Now that’d be a cast. 

Rausch: All options are on the table though. That’s the splendid thing about being in a bidding war.  

Cavett: Did I hear correctly you’re also currently working with Professor Marshall McLuhan now on some media advancements?

Rausch: I am. And I’m sure when we finish our projects, they will shock the world and greatly improve the standard of living. However, I can’t speak any further about it at this time, other than to say that we’re working with a technological genius on it, a young fellow named William Gates. He’ll be a very famous persona in the coming years, I assure you.  He’s spent more time learning about computers than anyone else. 

Cavett: Exciting stuff. There’s one more thing I’d like to talk to you about before we invite out our next guest. There are religious groups out there now which worship you. I spotted some of them standing on a street corner passing out flyers on my way over here.  Do you have anything to say about that?

Rausch: Well I knew back in the ‘50’s when I first published Jesus & Me that my stories could end up being used to create religions in themselves, particularly if Christianity began to decline, which it has.  Plus, I am a supernatural figure with an unexplained origin, I understand why many could confuse me to be divine. What I will say though is a lot of the groups I see sprouting up seem to have the goal of promoting positive behavior in people, and there’s nothing wrong with that on its own.

Cavett: Similar to the type of thing people would go to church for.

Rausch: When I went on William Buckley’s Firing Line program a couple of years ago, he told me he believed it was in humanity’s DNA to worship a higher power.  I don’t think that’s true, but humans do have a strong drive to be a part of a group, and certainly the “fan clubs” these people set up for me tap into that.

Cavett: Right.

Rausch: The other thing I want to say about that is some of these other groups based around my name seem to be nihilistic, and just want to stir up chaos.  I strongly disapprove of those particular groups. 

Cavett: That’s good to hear. 

Rausch: I hold that any social group should be constructive and strive to provide benefit for people. 

Cavett: As do I. At this point I’d like to invite our second guest out. He is a celebrated comedian, actor, writer, and director.  He has appeared on this program many times before, and has a new movie debuting this month entitled Sleeper. Please welcome Woody Allen!

[Woody Allen enters the room.  He waves to the crowd and makes his way over to the Rauschmonstrum and Cavett. He shakes both of their hands and sits down]

Cavett: Woody, good to see you.

Woody: Good to see you too Dick, and it’s also great to be in the same room with His Royal Rauschness over here.

Cavett: Have you two met before?

Woody: No, but once I attended a lecture the Rauschmonstrum gave.

Rausch: On what subject?

Woody: The Romans and Stoic philosophy. 

Rausch: Oh yes, so I would have discussed Marcus Aurelius that day then?

Woody: Yes, I spent the lecture taking notes, but then ditched them after spotting an attractive blonde woman in the audience.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: Of course you did.

Woody: As I was waiting around backstage trying very hard not to bump into any walls or get arrested for sedition, I thought of a question to ask you Mr. Rausch.

Rausch: Go right ahead.

Woody: Since you have so much control over all the elements, why don’t you put all of us into slavery?

Rausch: …Because I prefer not to.

[The audience laughs]

Woody: That’s good.  I suspect slavery would not be becoming of me.  Manual labor wears me out quickly.

Cavett: Is that right?

Woody: It is. But Mr. Rausch, if you did decide to make us all slaves, I’d be well suited figuring out the various roles for other slaves to play, kind of like an aptitude placement slave.  That’s what I’d be good at.

Rausch: I’ll keep that in mind.

Woody: Please do.

Cavett: Do you like the Rauschmonstrum’s books, Woody?

Woody: Um, before I answer that question, I’d like the Rauschmonstrum’s word that he will not strike me dead if he doesn’t like my answer.

Rausch: You have my word.

Woody: You use too many commas.

[The audience laughs] 

Rausch: I’ll remember you said that when I edit my next book.

Woody: Good, good. Thousands of glasses-wearing men will thank you.

Cavett: Do you have any other pieces of advice for Rauschmonstrum, Woody?

Woody: Stick to happier subject matter. The Bible stuff can be a bit morbid.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: I’m afraid most of my experiences worth writing about tend to be morbid.  

Woody: Ooh, well in that case you might want to get some more sun, Vitamin D deficiency can cause melancholic moods.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: Perhaps I’ll take your advice.

Cavett: With that said, we have to go to a commercial break.  We’ll be right back with the Rauschmonstrum and Woody Allen. Please stick with us.

[The audience applauds]